Jumping at Shadows

I've been mixed up lately. I am not sure exactly why or what it is about. So many people around me have problems that are far more earth-shattering. It is just one of those times-one of those days. Part of me feels like I am settling. Settling for what my life is in place of what it could be. I am sure that this part of me exists only because someone else pointed out to me that maybe I am settling. Why do I always plunge myself into this circle of doubt which leads to worrying about the future? Suddenly I want it all to fall into place now. And again I realize that life doesn't work that way. The realizations startled me amidst friends and family Saturday night. I shouldn't be surprised. But four glasses of white wine and a plate of french fries later...things felt a bit better. A break...a moment's peace...it was all that was needed.

I need to stop jumping at shadows. It will become my downfall. I am making monsters where none exist. I can't move beyond the impending threat. The problem is there is NO impending threat. None what so ever. So why is it that my mind makes these small nagging theories into phantoms that take over the night. My words chase themselves in circles...no point in sight. And slowly I feel myself being dragged down. I can't continue to fight this battle...by myself...about myself. That is the truth. This is about insecurity. This is about inadequacy, real or imagined. In trying to be the best-in trying to be perfect-I pulled the wrong way. And the rubber band snapped. I am moving past it...trying to at least.

Not making sense at this point...still coming down from three weeks being extremely mixed up...once I get it all under control...I will be back. That's a promise...