Losing the Battle Only To Lose the War

War does not determine who is right - only who is left. ~Bertrand Russell

The world spins around me so quickly I don't feel like there is anything to grab onto. In the past several weeks life has gotten out of control. The path that I thought I was on quickly disintegrated before my eyes, at least for the time being...and now there is no path. There is no direction, and try as I may I just can't seem to embrace it. Its been hard to move passed everything and reform my ideas of the future. I have come to the conclusion that if I just move, somewhere...anywhere, I will figure it all out. Right now I am just afraid to stand still. Call it an identity crisis, call it a crisis of faith...either way the end result is still the same, I have to relinquish control.

It is hard. I see everyone around me moving in one direction or another. Sending out job applications, sending out school applications...and yet in the past 6 months I haven't sent out so much as a letter. Run as I may to catch up to the world, everyone else is running faster. It was one test...one little test...and it didn't go well (far from well actually). But should it determine my future? Should it limit me, steer me, make me or break me? The logical answer is no. I can take it again if I like...and I may well decide to. But that is not the issue at hand, as much as I have made it the issue lately, it isn't.

I have come to terms with a few things about life recently. I want to be the best I can be in the areas that count. Every time I look at my niece's smiling face or think about the new niece I will meet in February, I realize family does matter. And I want to be there for them in what ever capacity I can. More than that, I want to have a career that makes me happy. What's the point if it doesn't? I understand that hobbies are good because they let you escape, but that doesn't mean that my job can't bring me happiness. The only problem now is finding what will make me happy. Pursue my passion...that's what someone I greatly trust and admire has always told me. So I guess right now I am moving in any direction I can, just trying to find my passion.

The other thing I have realized of late is how much I dislike fake and fair weather friends. Those people who are only there for you when they need someone, or when it works for them. Seriously, how did my life fill up with people who clearly don't give a damn. It has made it easier to see those who truly do care for who they are. But at the same time it is very hard to let go of the one's who don't. I guess in the end I would much rather be surrounded by a smaller number of people who do care than those who feel it is OK to lie to me and generally ignore my existence. I try to hold on, but each time it feels like I lose a little bit more.

On the up side, there are only 4 weeks left in the semester, and classes are going well. 3.5 years of struggling, and finally economics is starting to make sense. The camera and new lens work like a dream, and as always, no matter the situation, life keeps moving.