Waking Up

Today I woke up to a new reality. It hit me, I am one semester away from being done with this undergraduate degree. It hit me, I don't actually hate my major. Through one class (Industrial Organization) my understanding of the last 3 years has grown in leaps and bounds. Anti-trust is possibly the most fascinating stuff out there (followed closely by game theory). It hit me, it truly was an awful week, but it is just one week, just one of approximately 1152 that I have endured in my life-and who knows how many I have left. One bad one shouldn't ruin my attitude towards the rest of them, that just wouldn't be fair.

Life exploded earlier this week-in a flash of white, misplaced, anger and stress, it was gone. After much crying and soul searching, I picked myself up, and pulled myself forward. Its been hard, very hard. But its what has to be done. I have made amends as best I can. And now I am at a loss. I cannot fix it unless I am given the chance to do so. It will be OK...eventually. But in the process of breaking down and rebuilding, a character flaw perceived by others was pointed out to me. Apparently I have a need to discuss what upsets me, to talk through it, around it, and about it, until I reach a conclusion. And this need, is not shared by all. Someone close to me pointed out that this could be the reason for the chaos. That my obsession with words and using them to solve problems could in the end result in more problems. Well OK then. What does that mean? Do I hold it in...no I think not. That, after all, was the reason for the emotional explosion followed by a very swift implosion. What then? To me, it simply means, maybe I find another way to use words to solve my problems...instead of talking, maybe I'll write more.

Either way, life maintains its pace. It doesn't hesitate to move on while I figure myself out. The future is undetermined...a vast empty space waiting to be filled. Admittedly that scares me. But I am focusing on short range goals to keep from obsessing about what I cannot change. I will figure out what I am supposed to do-if such a thing exists. And in the meantime, I will not stop learning about myself in the process. With good friends I will work it all out in time. For now-economics calls...finals to pass...classes to finish.