Running...

Run until the pain stops...then keep running.

I suppose for the last several months, I have been trying. Trying to keep going, trying to keep moving, trying to run through the anger and the frustration. But recently amidst the holding it together and the falling apart I realized a few things. Lately (for the past 5 months or so), I have been angry at a world that isn’t the least bit angry at me. So the future isn’t playing out exactly like I’d hoped it would-but that doesn’t give me ground to be angry and continually take it out on everyone else. Things will always work out.

It is time to challenge those misconceptions and ideals I have held near and dear for the past 22 years. Time to truly learn what I believe and what I feel...and the fastest way to learn is through doing. I refuse to wade slowly into the real world, as much as I fear change, maybe it is time to jump in with both feet. Change happens whether we want it to or not, and when it does we have two choices; we can either stand there, feet braced, knees locked, fighting with all our might to withstand it, or, we can simply move...bend...grow.

I thought that I had shaken free most of the notions I had picked up as a child. After years of wading through myth, legend, and fact I had come to a good understanding of who I am and what I believe...but apparently I have not.

I cannot, nor will I ever be able to be everything to everyone...and its about damn time I accept it. I will fall short, I will disappoint...but the biggest disappointment I keep discovering, is to give up a piece of who I am for who others seem to think I need to be. There will always be people who are jealous of successes and welcome failures, as much as I have tried to ignore them or silence them-and the sad truth of the matter is some days I am one of them. But knowing this flaw in myself does not make it any easier to over look in others. Compromise is an art...but as they say, it shouldn't be compromising. And maybe...just maybe...while my parents do have so much figured out, the way they did it isn't the way I have to do it. I admire them and look up to them for so much, and yet, I can't be them...I can strive to be no one but myself. I thought that college would make it all clearer, instead I find the water as murky as ever...through the chaos an uncertain reflection stares back at me...confused...a bit scared...but daring to take that next step.

Isn't it just like life-when you think you have it all figured out, that's when you get knocked flat on your ass.