The Road to Heaven Shouldn't Be Hell

Stand Aside

2010-10-13T21:45:00.000-07:00

So the big question on my mind tonight...how do I get out of my own way? I don't know if my realization today was real or completely founded...but it was a realization none-the-less. I think that I tend to get in my own way. I get this idea in my head that I am not going to get through something or that I can't do it...and life plays out exactly the way I construct it. Definitely a case of perception creating reality. I need to get out of my way. Life will move on whether or not I want it to or not. I know that outwardly I want it to move forward...to move anywhere at this point. But today I started questioning if on the inside I am secretly letting myself hold on too tightly to the past. Its not that I don't want to grow up. I mean don't get me wrong there are a few things about the adult world (ie full time jobs, rent, bills etc) that aren't all that they are cracked up to be. But moving forward and progressing through things is key. Key to becoming happy. Mundane tasks cannot be the sum of all of my hard work over the past 22 years. Doing the same thing day in and day out seems to be a way to melt from existence and leave no mark on the world. I don't know yet what mark I want to leave, but I know I want to figure it out. And I can't do that standing still. I have to move past the road blocks I am setting in front of myself. The question is how?

"Steady as a preacher
Free as a weed
Couldn't wait to get goin'
But wasn't quite ready to leave
So innocent, pure and sweet
American honey"

Someday

2010-09-20T20:47:00.000-07:00

I am having trouble these days...trouble keeping my motivation...trouble keeping my frustrations to a minimum...trouble keeping sane. Its definitely a challenge. I guess it wouldn't be so bad if I could make sense of exactly why I feel the way I do. I mean it has been a rough summer...but summer is over. So where do I go from here?

I have never felt more stagnant in my life. I know that the world is moving all around me, but I feel like I am remaining still. Some days I can't even figure out the exact direction that I want to move. I am being pulled towards grad school, but is it for the right reasons? I don't necessarily doubt myself...just my judgment. I have doubts...but who doesn't. Its natural I suppose. What is important I guess is what I do with these doubts. I try to remind myself that this is only a phase...it is one step in the process of becoming who I eventually want to evolve into. This evolution will not be seamless....it will not be painless...but it will happen all the same.

So...each day has become a dull repetition of the last. Motivation creeps away as the minutes pass. Studying for the GRE takes all that I've got...but someday it will seem inconsequential. So I suppose through it all....here's to someday!

On Loss...

2010-06-26T09:44:00.000-07:00

From Where You Are
-Lifehouse

So far away from where you are
These miles have torn us world's apart
And I miss you
Yeah, I miss you

So far away from where you are
I'm standing underneath the stars
And I wish you were here

I miss the years that were erased
I miss the way the sunshine would light up your face
I miss all the little things
I never thought that they'd mean everything to me

Yeah I miss you
And I wish you were here

I feel the beating of your heart
I see the shadows of your face
Just know that wherever you are
Yeah, I miss you
And I wish you were here

I miss the years that were erased
I miss the way the sunshine would light up your face
I miss all the little things
I never thought that they'd mean everything to me

Yeah, I miss you
And I wish you were here

So far away from where you are
These miles have torn us world's apart
And I miss you
Yeah, I miss you
And I wish you were here

It has been a rough month and a half. Graduation was just the beginning. The day after the pomp and circumstance-my Dad's brother-in-law lost his life after a three year battle with cancer. So two days later I found myself on a plane to Virginia for a week of family time, support, and grieving. It was wonderful to see the family, but difficult due to the loss we all
faced. My uncle Tony will be forever greatly missed.

One month and one day later, I got the call while at work, and within 24 hours was once again on a flight to Texas. This time to honor the life of my uncle Andy. It is hard to explain how I have been feeling. The emotional rollercoaster that hasbeen my life for the past several weeks has left me, for lack of a better explanation, emotionally flat lining. Sure I get excited, frustrated, mad, stressed,etc...but it doesn't last...and its not true feeling. More like fleeting brushes of emotion that leave me a bit tired and seeking cover. Not that that makes any sense. It is strange. I have always bounced to my emotions for the solution,the correct (or incorrect action) and my heart has always been my guide. But now,its hard to get an accurate signal.

It is hard now to put what I feel into words. I can’t even begin to describe what I have been feeling lately. A bit lost…a bit confused…and a whole hell of a lot of sad could be a definite place to start. I have never been all that good at dealing with loss. So I have been doing my best this time around to go on living how they taught me to live…a bit ironic I think…a month and a half out of college and the lessons still continue.

The World Cup, as always, has offered the best solace I know…and to be honest it is making me miss kicking the ball around….I think that will be remedied soon…in the next few days I hope.

Running...

2010-04-12T21:59:00.000-07:00

Run until the pain stops...then keep running.

I suppose for the last several months, I have been trying. Trying to keep going, trying to keep moving, trying to run through the anger and the frustration. But recently amidst the holding it together and the falling apart I realized a few things. Lately (for the past 5 months or so), I have been angry at a world that isn’t the least bit angry at me. So the future isn’t playing out exactly like I’d hoped it would-but that doesn’t give me ground to be angry and continually take it out on everyone else. Things will always work out.

It is time to challenge those misconceptions and ideals I have held near and dear for the past 22 years. Time to truly learn what I believe and what I feel...and the fastest way to learn is through doing. I refuse to wade slowly into the real world, as much as I fear change, maybe it is time to jump in with both feet. Change happens whether we want it to or not, and when it does we have two choices; we can either stand there, feet braced, knees locked, fighting with all our might to withstand it, or, we can simply move...bend...grow.

I thought that I had shaken free most of the notions I had picked up as a child. After years of wading through myth, legend, and fact I had come to a good understanding of who I am and what I believe...but apparently I have not.

I cannot, nor will I ever be able to be everything to everyone...and its about damn time I accept it. I will fall short, I will disappoint...but the biggest disappointment I keep discovering, is to give up a piece of who I am for who others seem to think I need to be. There will always be people who are jealous of successes and welcome failures, as much as I have tried to ignore them or silence them-and the sad truth of the matter is some days I am one of them. But knowing this flaw in myself does not make it any easier to over look in others. Compromise is an art...but as they say, it shouldn't be compromising. And maybe...just maybe...while my parents do have so much figured out, the way they did it isn't the way I have to do it. I admire them and look up to them for so much, and yet, I can't be them...I can strive to be no one but myself. I thought that college would make it all clearer, instead I find the water as murky as ever...through the chaos an uncertain reflection stares back at me...confused...a bit scared...but daring to take that next step.

Isn't it just like life-when you think you have it all figured out, that's when you get knocked flat on your ass.

Stop and Stare

2010-02-15T15:26:00.000-08:00

Admittedly I turned towards the internet today looking for shelter...looking for a place to rant and vent about so many emotions I face daily. Angry at a world I doubt is angry at me I looked to latch my frustrations on someone-anyone else. Then I stumbled across this piece of writing on a friend's facebook page, and it stopped me dead in my tracks. So much of what I have been doing lately has been to start becoming the person I truly want to be...and while I did not write this...it spoke to me and how I feel.

The Awakening
(Author unknown)

A time comes in your life when you finally get…when, in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out…ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying and blaming and struggling to hold on. Then, like a child quieting down after a tantrum, you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes.

This is your awakening.

You realize it’s time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to magically appear over the next horizon.

You realize that in the real world there aren’t always fairy tale endings, and that any guarantee of “happily ever after” must begin with you…and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are…and that’s OK. They are entitled to their own views and opinions.

You learn the importance of loving and championing yourself…and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval.

Your stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you – or didn’t do for you – and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected.

You learn that people don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and everything isn’t always about you.

So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself…and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties…and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.

You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you’ve outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with.

You learn that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a “consumer” looking for you next fix.

You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.

You learn that you don’t know everything, it’s not you job to save the world and that you can’t teach a pig to sing. You learn the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You learn that alone does not mean lonely.

You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO.

You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs.

You learn that your body really is your temple. You begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin to eat a balanced diet, drinking more water, and take more time to exercise.

You learn that being tired fuels doubt, fear, and uncertainty and so you take more time to rest. And, just food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn that, for the most part, you get in life what you deserve, and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different than working toward making it happen.

More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You learn that no one can do it all alone, and that it’s OK to risk asking for help.

You learn the only thing you must truly fear is fear itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your own terms.

You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom.

You learn that life isn’t always fair, you don’t always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people…and you lean not to always take it personally.

You learn that nobody’s punishing you and everything isn’t always somebody’s fault. It’s just life happening. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.

You lean that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you.

You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.

Then, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than you heart’s desire.

You make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind.

Finally, with courage in you heart, you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.

It may be idealistic, it may be too hopeful...but I think today, its exactly what I needed. And I am going to do my best from now on to truly become the person that I want to be.

Frustrations Mounting

2010-02-07T20:02:00.000-08:00

Most kind of stories
Save the best part for last
And most stories have a hero who finds
You make your past your past
Yeah you make your past your past
(Joshua Radin)

Swirling in the endless eddies of life...I feel stagnant. Unsure about the future, but no longer wanting to inhabit some of the places I left behind. It has been too long since I have had an adventure. I will not deny that my life has shifted a few directions these past few months. But that is normal right? Life can't follow a prescribed plan. Yet I have always wanted to have one. And now I don't...so...just keep moving. After all I was once told....If you don't know where you are going...anywhere will get you there. I will be honest, I hate it. I hate this directionless shuffle I find myself in. Everyone says it must be freeing to have any and all options open to me...I say its daunting. What if I make the wrong choice...take the wrong step. Some will say there is no wrong choice, no step that is incorrect...and to an extent they are right. Choices are choices...and we move through them daily...and often there isn't a wrong one. But where the future is concerned, when I try to choose a path that will ultimately lead to jobs and careers (I refuse to say the rest of my life...that's too constraining)...I want to be sure and choose something that draws me...that captivates me...learning should be exciting, and so should the experiences that one has to obtain it. So I think that picking what I study or learn in the future is not trivial...and so the frustration mounts...like a thunder storm building on the horizon in late August. And I know for a fact, when this storm opens, not only will it rain...but it will pour.

Give and Take

2009-12-14T19:55:00.000-08:00

"If wishes were horses and beggars could ride-then the world would be drown in an ocean of pride."

I have never truly understood the meaning of that little ditty, but what can I say tonight it just fit.

So I have been wrestling with a concept brought up by a stranger at a bar last Friday night for the past few days. After introducing himself, thinking my name was Kimbra, then deciding I was Australian (which lead to an awkward interlude of Irish accents), he began to discuss working in the kitchen at Famous Dave's. He brought up the fact that it was interesting to watch people he liked, and even got along with, go through their lives, because he only saw such a small snippet of their day. And I was struck-how much do we ever know about another person's day or what they are going through? I mean unless we wake up next to them, or down the hall, and the 12-16 hours later lay down next to them-how much do we really see? We see only what they want us to see...we know only what they want us to know. And yet through these brief and fleeting interactions, we form relationships...lifetime friends, enemies, and even romantic interests. So, is it better to know more, or less? I can't decide. With what has been falling around me these past few weeks, I'd tend to error on the side of less. Yes you may put your foot in your mouth, but on balance, the less we know of someones personal life, the easier it may be to cope when they leave.

Relationships are a balance of give and take. And in a few areas in particular, I have recently been giving...with no real chance to take in return. So, as I tend to do, I rationalize away the problem...I chalk it up to transference (after all my point was completely missed and another's hammered home in its place).

I remember the last time I felt this lost, this helpless-standing knee deep in the Pacific, waves lapping at my ankles, wondering what I had done that lead me here. That was Christmas break freshman year. I would like to think that I have grown in the past four years. Thus, I know that despite the ache in my chest...I will move on and move through. What choice do I have? Each aspect of life will unfold when it is meant to. Forgiveness will find its way to those who truly need it. But at the end of the day...there is nothing to do but walk on.

Waking Up

2009-12-12T13:36:00.000-08:00

Today I woke up to a new reality. It hit me, I am one semester away from being done with this undergraduate degree. It hit me, I don't actually hate my major. Through one class (Industrial Organization) my understanding of the last 3 years has grown in leaps and bounds. Anti-trust is possibly the most fascinating stuff out there (followed closely by game theory). It hit me, it truly was an awful week, but it is just one week, just one of approximately 1152 that I have endured in my life-and who knows how many I have left. One bad one shouldn't ruin my attitude towards the rest of them, that just wouldn't be fair.

Life exploded earlier this week-in a flash of white, misplaced, anger and stress, it was gone. After much crying and soul searching, I picked myself up, and pulled myself forward. Its been hard, very hard. But its what has to be done. I have made amends as best I can. And now I am at a loss. I cannot fix it unless I am given the chance to do so. It will be OK...eventually. But in the process of breaking down and rebuilding, a character flaw perceived by others was pointed out to me. Apparently I have a need to discuss what upsets me, to talk through it, around it, and about it, until I reach a conclusion. And this need, is not shared by all. Someone close to me pointed out that this could be the reason for the chaos. That my obsession with words and using them to solve problems could in the end result in more problems. Well OK then. What does that mean? Do I hold it in...no I think not. That, after all, was the reason for the emotional explosion followed by a very swift implosion. What then? To me, it simply means, maybe I find another way to use words to solve my problems...instead of talking, maybe I'll write more.

Either way, life maintains its pace. It doesn't hesitate to move on while I figure myself out. The future is undetermined...a vast empty space waiting to be filled. Admittedly that scares me. But I am focusing on short range goals to keep from obsessing about what I cannot change. I will figure out what I am supposed to do-if such a thing exists. And in the meantime, I will not stop learning about myself in the process. With good friends I will work it all out in time. For now-economics calls...finals to pass...classes to finish.

Crash

2009-12-08T20:10:00.000-08:00

Its been a rough 24 hours. It all exploded in a white light last night. I ran my mouth off and put my stress off on someone who didn't deserve it. And now it is all messed up...people aren't talking...and the holidays are looming....and as I search through my childhood comforts...a song jumps out, it just explains it all.

Crash and Burn
Savage Garden

When you feel alone
And the world has turned its back on you
Give me a moment please to tame your wild wild heart
I know that you feel like the walls are closing in on you
It's hard to find relief and people can be so cold
When darkness is upon your door and you feel like you can't take it anymore

Let me be the one you call
If you jump I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone

When you feel all alone
And a loyal friend is hard to find
You're caught in a one way street
With the monsters in your head
When hopes and dreams are far away and
You feel you can't face the day

Let me be the one you call
If you jump I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone

Because there has always been heartache and pain
And when it's over you'll breathe again
You'll breathe again

When you feel all alone
And the world has turned its back on you
Give me a moment please
To tame your wild wild heart

Let me be the one you call
If you jump I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone

Losing the Battle Only To Lose the War

2009-11-19T22:18:00.000-08:00

War does not determine who is right - only who is left. ~Bertrand Russell

The world spins around me so quickly I don't feel like there is anything to grab onto. In the past several weeks life has gotten out of control. The path that I thought I was on quickly disintegrated before my eyes, at least for the time being...and now there is no path. There is no direction, and try as I may I just can't seem to embrace it. Its been hard to move passed everything and reform my ideas of the future. I have come to the conclusion that if I just move, somewhere...anywhere, I will figure it all out. Right now I am just afraid to stand still. Call it an identity crisis, call it a crisis of faith...either way the end result is still the same, I have to relinquish control.

It is hard. I see everyone around me moving in one direction or another. Sending out job applications, sending out school applications...and yet in the past 6 months I haven't sent out so much as a letter. Run as I may to catch up to the world, everyone else is running faster. It was one test...one little test...and it didn't go well (far from well actually). But should it determine my future? Should it limit me, steer me, make me or break me? The logical answer is no. I can take it again if I like...and I may well decide to. But that is not the issue at hand, as much as I have made it the issue lately, it isn't.

I have come to terms with a few things about life recently. I want to be the best I can be in the areas that count. Every time I look at my niece's smiling face or think about the new niece I will meet in February, I realize family does matter. And I want to be there for them in what ever capacity I can. More than that, I want to have a career that makes me happy. What's the point if it doesn't? I understand that hobbies are good because they let you escape, but that doesn't mean that my job can't bring me happiness. The only problem now is finding what will make me happy. Pursue my passion...that's what someone I greatly trust and admire has always told me. So I guess right now I am moving in any direction I can, just trying to find my passion.

The other thing I have realized of late is how much I dislike fake and fair weather friends. Those people who are only there for you when they need someone, or when it works for them. Seriously, how did my life fill up with people who clearly don't give a damn. It has made it easier to see those who truly do care for who they are. But at the same time it is very hard to let go of the one's who don't. I guess in the end I would much rather be surrounded by a smaller number of people who do care than those who feel it is OK to lie to me and generally ignore my existence. I try to hold on, but each time it feels like I lose a little bit more.

On the up side, there are only 4 weeks left in the semester, and classes are going well. 3.5 years of struggling, and finally economics is starting to make sense. The camera and new lens work like a dream, and as always, no matter the situation, life keeps moving.

Trains and Tracks

2009-09-25T09:40:00.000-07:00

"I can see that you are scared...but don't let that fear cloud your vision." (One Tree Hill)

To say that I am anything other than scared right now would be a discredit to my current emotional state. There are moments that define...that shape...that change. And I am on the brink of one of those changes. Have I done all that I can to be ready for it? Maybe-I have studied, I have reviewed, I have practiced, and tomorrow I will do my best. But, as has happened on other rare occasions, I am wondering if my best will be good enough. The test will take 3 1/2 hours...but its ramifications could last far longer. I could take it again in December, and if tomorrow doesn't go well...I will. But I'd rather not. And I realize that I can not base life on what I would rather do or rather not do, but at 21, it seems like this life should be based on what I want. And I want this-I do.

Yet when I stare at the clock...counting down the minutes until tomorrow...I see the ride I have taken thus far and its possible abrupt end. The track I am on could be the track my future is set to...or my life could take a completely different turn. But At the end of tomorrow I want to have options. I want the ability to go the direction I want...simply because I can. And if I keep on track tomorrow that option is mine.

The pencils are sharpened, the highlighter is ready....the rest is up to fate.

I'd Rather Be With You

2009-09-17T17:29:00.000-07:00

Life has been stressed lately, overwhelming, and a bit out of sorts. And this song has been getting me through...

Sittin' here, on this lonely dock
Watch the rain play on the ocean top
All the things I feel I need to say
I can't explain in any other way

I need to bold
Need to jump in the cold water
Need to grow older with a girl like you
Finally see you were naturally
The one to make it so easy when you show me the truth
Yeah, yeah I'd rather be with you
Say you want the same thing too

Now here's the sun, come to dry the rain
Warm my shoulders and relieve my pain
You're the one thing that I'm missing here
With you beside me I no longer fear

I need to bold
Need to jump in the cold water
Need to grow older with a girl like you
Finally see you were naturally the one to make it so easy when
you show me the truth
Yeah, yeah I'd rather be with you
Say you want the same thing too

I could have saved so much time for us
Had I seen the way to get to where I am today
You waited on me for so long
So now, listen to me say

I need to bold
Need to jump in the cold water
Need to grow older with a girl like you
Finally see you were naturally the one to make it so easy when you
show me the truth
Yeah, yeah I'd rather be with you
Say you want the same thing too

Say you feel the way I do.

(I'd Rather be with you by Joshua Radin)

Irony and chaos

2009-08-31T17:52:00.000-07:00

Ok...its a little bit ironic that whenever I get stuck on an English assignment I immediately run here. I realize I hate writing to be graded...to be judged...to be condemned...but really...its a bit funny (especially today...the assignment is to assess my personal writing style).

Today was the first day of school. I will not lie and say it went great...but it went ok. His world was momentarily derailed by the sight of her strolling through the sub. And as the train jumped off the tracks, I felt but a passenger along for the ride. It isn't as bad as it once was...and what right to I have to be angry. After all, am I not guilty of the same exact thing. But as my frustration mounted...I searched for a meaning behind it all. I realize every one has his own history. And in some cases I manifest that history. But in certain cases the destruction evident in anothers eyes when face to face with who they used to be is enough to bring me to my knees.

Summer was good, it is over too fast. I had a good time down in Texas with family. And to my joy my uncle is doing much better, at least for now. The four day trip to the Tetons was wonderful. I thought I'd seen mountains...turns out I was wrong. They are SPECTACULAR!! And I think the whole experience of spending 4 days with just one other person was a good one. But as summer fell to a close last night...I realized there are so many big questions that still need to be answered...so much I am unsure about...so much I don't completely understand. And sadly I don't know how to make it make sense. Its not even that I am worried about it, it is just annoying to have that dull ache in my head that indicates that so much is yet to be determined. How do I make decisions in light of what I know...and more pressing how do I make them in light of all the things I don't?

Which brings me back to that look of destruction in anothers eyes...what do I take from that? We are all human...even if we don't care to admit it...we hurt...and some scars never completely heal...and maybe its for the better. If all wounds created in love healed completely the recklessly we would give our hearts without discretion and without reservation...and oh what chaos that would create.

Melancholy

2009-07-14T22:20:00.000-07:00

It seems whenever I want to find words, I lack them the most. I would call it a curse. One of my friend's father's passed away a week ago yesterday. I think most would admit it had been a long time coming, but still his passing didn't seem timely. Wednesday evening, headed across town to see the family, my mind raced to the few memories I held of him. I must have been 11 when I saw him last, it was surely a Bozeman High Soccer game. As I struggled to fix my mind on a clear image, the voice in the back of my head screamed silently that I was grasping at straws. I settled my thoughts and decided maybe a hug was the best thing I could do. The service was good, given the circumstances, and the reception was filled with love.

In other news, I no longer drive the "go-bot" (named for the cheap transformer rip-offs by my cousin-in-law). No the Nissan, finally nearing the end of its life, has been traded. As strange as it seems, I was partially heartbroken when I gave her up. She was my aunt's. Possibly the last major thing any of us had (minus the red wool coat hanging in my closet). There are baby photos of me in it...and as I drove her off to be sold, I realized how many memories I had in that car. First time pushing curfew, first time moving into the dorms...and lets not forget passing my drivers test. But it was more than that...it was hers, and as much as I complained and whined about stuck doors, shaking steering wheels, and the like...I felt untouchable in that car. It is for the best, things can't be held onto simply for sentimental reasons. But that didn't keep me from shedding a few tears.

Next week I'll head out to see my uncle. The results of the latest CT scan are good. The chemo has kept the cancer from spreading so far. And the doctor seems hopeful. A large part of me tries not to buy into his hope. Its not that I don't believe it could turn out ok, I suppose its rather that if it doesn't I don't want to be devastated. We'll see what happens.

The Road You Take...

2009-06-24T16:07:00.000-07:00

Summer got off to a roaring start. In the middle of May family arrived from all corners of the US it seemed. Many stayed at my parents house...one even "camped" in the garage. On May 30th my brother and his wife Jenny celebrated their marriage in a ceremony for the world to enjoy. It was beautiful, right down to the picture perfect sunset. I was a bridesmaid, an impromptu photographer, a dancer, and helped polish off my fair share of the wine. It was a wonderful night, and has since been followed up with the news that the family is going to be growing in the next nine months. To be honest I am proud of my brother. He has truly grown up in the last two years...truly stepped up to the plate. He makes a great dad...and although he still screws up once in awhile...he is a great husband too.

Other than that...I am cleaning out the basement of reid hall. It is a some what daunting task...and it leaves far too much time for thinking. Lately I have been thinking about the nature of relationships.

A few drinks in last Saturday night (in celebration of a friend's 21st) I found myself snugly tucked into a booth at the 317 face to face with complete and utter destruction. Standing maybe five feet away was the boy who took me through the motions of love for the first time. Bitter sweet, the memories I still hold onto from that time. This boy wasn't only my first love but my first broken heart. And even four years later and a few relationships later the memory of the pain caused and tears cried still brought me to my knees. And in a slightly drunken haze I wondered...is that the way of first loves? Even after they have faded do they still have that initial impact over us...that power? Will it always exist? It isn't to say that I haven't moved on. I have since loved and lost...had my world destroyed...and pieced it back together...but still that power, that captivation of the first love exists. Late Saturday night through until early Sunday morning I chased ghosts around the dim light of my apartment...mine and others...and I realized that the past can't be run from. Maybe like the song says "Every road you leave behind you is another road you are going to have to go back down."

Marginal Benefit

2009-03-26T20:15:00.000-07:00

Most of the time I complain about my major because I am not sure I like it...not sure it is the right fit. It seems just means to an end. But on days like today I find a far different reason to ponder and discuss the subject of my undergraduate decision. Every once in awhile, I find myself actually thinking like an economist. Some would think this a blessing...a true sign of understanding...and on some level I do. But it is also a bit annoying. When the ramifications of each decision is balanced based on the cost/benefit it will bring, and my dominate strategy is weighed in light of the choices I think others may make, I find it hard to see straight. Beyond the endless graphs and explanations of the Solow model, the Romer model, and the Malthusian trap (which I do in fact find interesting)...there lies actual pertinent information that most of us employ on a regular basis. The only thing that all the non-econ majors of the world have on me is that they don't know the are using the tactics of an economist.

The cost benefit analysis of a few of my present decisions drove me from my room to the shower today in sheer desperation to quite that silly little voice in my head screaming about marginal benefit. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate that I have a rather calculated, logical way to approach problems. But sometimes, staring through the calculus, amidst the joy at actually understanding it, I find myself a bit annoyed that decisions which should be rooted in emotion can be brought down to such a calculated science if one has the right training.

Shivering (an update...finally)

2009-03-11T14:22:00.000-07:00

It is finally warming up outside, which is nice because I am tired of shivering.

The month of February came and went...school seemed to swallow up most of my time. And in the few hours that remained, I lost myself to mindless pursuits. I should feel guilty...that's what society tells me. But I don't. I think a certain amount of mindlessness is necessary, healthy even. Amidst the insane, sometimes pulling it together for a moment of nothing here and there, keeps one a bit more sane.

I have applied, and am in the process of applying for, several internships. At this point a few grammatical mistakes and spelling errors (all of which I should have caught!) make the outlook seem a bit bleak. It happens. But...all I can do is my best...right? That is what has been instilled in me since birth...and thus I carry on with that looping through my mind in hopes that it is true. I will find somewhere to work this summer. And if I get my way, I will be working somewhere close by and enjoying a true Montana summer from beginning to end.

School...is going. It flashes forward day after day, and I try to keep pace. In weeks like this one it seems near impossible. But I guess these days I like the challenge.

I built a table (this was actually about two moths ago-and I had help). It is more of a nightstand really...it sits on the other side of the bed, and is slowly accumulating things (at this point a lamp, a pen, and a mini stapler that has never worked). And I like the way it pulls my room together. My uncle is improving...having more good days if you will. He has gone home and is working towards a full recovery.

So life is good...things are settling in.

Define "A good day"

2009-02-01T20:02:00.000-08:00

There are three words that can bring someone to her knees faster than anything else I think. No it isn't "I love you" nor is it "I hate you"...but rather "It is cancer". Nothing can shatter worlds, reign in perspective, and change perceptions faster. During the fall I watched a good friend get the dreaded news. I watched him look head on into the future...and now the outcome looks good. For my uncle, things aren't going so well.

First it was just a tumor on his pancreas. Then pancreatic cancer...now it is in the lymph nodes. And in my limited experience...with my limited knowledge...that is not good. It has been a rough few weeks. Some would say "he's just an uncle". But he has had such an influence on me. He made it ok to talk about being adopted...ok to talk about being scared, hurt, confused...and at the end of each conversation he made me feel less alone and truly loved. And I am facing the fact that in a short time...he may be gone.

The update on his status came over the wire today, "he had a really good day." And I began to wonder, as I sobbed silently, alone in my kitchen doing the dishes, what makes it a good day? In a hospital, surrounded by the constant concern and tests, eating jello, and not knowing what will happen...how can it be a good day? And try as I might I can't grasp it. The world may soon be robbed of a great man. His siblings, his grandchildren, his nieces and nephews will lose a friend and advisor...so how can it be a great day?

Jumping at Shadows

2008-12-01T20:24:00.000-08:00

I've been mixed up lately. I am not sure exactly why or what it is about. So many people around me have problems that are far more earth-shattering. It is just one of those times-one of those days. Part of me feels like I am settling. Settling for what my life is in place of what it could be. I am sure that this part of me exists only because someone else pointed out to me that maybe I am settling. Why do I always plunge myself into this circle of doubt which leads to worrying about the future? Suddenly I want it all to fall into place now. And again I realize that life doesn't work that way. The realizations startled me amidst friends and family Saturday night. I shouldn't be surprised. But four glasses of white wine and a plate of french fries later...things felt a bit better. A break...a moment's peace...it was all that was needed.

I need to stop jumping at shadows. It will become my downfall. I am making monsters where none exist. I can't move beyond the impending threat. The problem is there is NO impending threat. None what so ever. So why is it that my mind makes these small nagging theories into phantoms that take over the night. My words chase themselves in circles...no point in sight. And slowly I feel myself being dragged down. I can't continue to fight this battle...by myself...about myself. That is the truth. This is about insecurity. This is about inadequacy, real or imagined. In trying to be the best-in trying to be perfect-I pulled the wrong way. And the rubber band snapped. I am moving past it...trying to at least.

Not making sense at this point...still coming down from three weeks being extremely mixed up...once I get it all under control...I will be back. That's a promise...

It's Beginning to Get to Me

2008-11-18T19:58:00.000-08:00

It's Beginning to Get to Me
-Snow Patrol

I want something
That's purer than the water
Like we were

It's not there now
Ineloquence and anger
Are all we have

Like Saturn's rings
An icy loop around me
Too hard to hold

Lash out first
At all the things we don't like
Or understand

And it's beginning to get to me
That I know more of the stars and sea
Than I do of what's in your head
Barely touching in our cold bed

Are you beginning to get get my point
They're always fighting with aching joints
It's doing nothing but tire us out
No one knows what this fight's about

The answer phone
The lonely sound of your voice
Frozen in time

I only need
The compass that you gave me
To guide me on

And it's beginning to get to me
That I know more of the stars and sea
Than I do of what's in your head
Barely touching in our cold bed

Are you beginning to get get my point
They're always fighting with aching joints
It's doing nothing but tire us out
No one knows what this fight's about

It's so thrilling but also wrong
Don't have to prove that you are so strong
Cos I can carry you on my back
After our enemies attack

I tried to tell you before I left
But I was screaming under my breath
You are the only thing that makes sense
Just ignore all this present tense

We need to feel breathless with love
And not collapse under its weight
I'm gasping for the air to fill
My lungs with everything I've lost

We need to feel breathless with love
And not collapse under its weight
I'm gasping for the air to fill
My lungs with everything I've lost

Dazed and Confused

2008-10-20T13:29:00.000-07:00

What is it they say, if today you are not confused, you are just not thinking clearly. Well...taking that message to heart, I have been thinking crystal clear for the past few weeks. Minus of course the few hours from Wednesday and Friday that are blurry due to impairment of a far less natural sort. Life, has as usual, gotten confusing as the semester pulls into full swing.

My birthday went well...it is strange to think that in so many ways I am an adult now, at least in the eyes of the world. In my mind, I'll continue to be seven. And I'll continue to endure that awkwardness and confusion that stems from the mind of a child. It is easier than going through the intense difficulties that accompany adulthood. I don't know why it is so hard for me to make sense of the world around me. I suppose it has something to do with the fact that the nature of the problems now facing me and those close to me are much more paramount...much more adult...and the screen that my parents used to provide, blocking out the more intense sides of issues, well it has all but evaporated. And in its place is some steam...all that now separates me from the harsh realities of life. Impending children...possible life threatening illnesses...these are just a few of the issues facing my friends daily. And while I am not in the direct line of fire, I watch from the sidelines with a new sense of investment and involvement. I have a vested interest in how these things play out. And as I sit idly on my hands so to speak, waiting for their tests results to be texted my way, I wish that I could do something beyond simply hoping.

In other news, I have again realized that this world is full of arrogant asses who will gather a following, either because they instill fear or because they do something worthy. Usually it is the former. When confronting one such ass lately, I started to wonder if my perception of him was all in my head. Had I not given him the chance he truly deserved to earn my respect and thus have a sense of well placed arrogance instead of simply being a jerk? Upon further examination...I realized that no I had judged him incorrectly. But it does not seem that I can beat him. Not at his own game. Thus...I suppose at least for the semester, I join the ranks of his following...attempting to insure my own survival.

Moral of the Story:Never argue with an idiot...he will bring you down to his level and beat you by experience.

The Gender of Computers

2008-10-15T08:20:00.001-07:00

Because on a Wednesday morning is is necessary to have a laugh or two I pass on to you an e-mail I received from my mother (a serious post to follow later)

COMPUTERS........
A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. 'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.' 'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups,male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers isincomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possiblelater retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending halfyour paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine('el computador'), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they AREthe problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited alittle longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

I Smile...Because I Have No Clue What's Going On

2008-10-12T21:24:00.001-07:00

I should keep reading up on contract law...I should study statistics...but I find it hard to care. Tests tomorrow don't start until 11 so, why worry now.

Its snowing outside...lightly dusting my car...covering footsteps from earlier in the day. It looks a bit like November or December. But its good. By the end of the week rumor has it that it will have all melted off. But I am sure it will come back again soon.

Advice: Nick and Norah's Infinite Play List....see it...I loved it.

My thoughts don't seem to be connecting really....but that's ok...

Things that Make me Happy:
-Rain
-The Ocean (surprisingly...and then again maybe not so much)
-sunrises and sunsets
-cuddling
-holding hands
-Music
-Chocolate
-My puppy
-Long showers
-sleeping in late on Sundays
-Waking up next to someone I love
-Reading
-Writing
-Finishing homework
-Waking up in a warm bed
-Hot chocolate
-Laughing ( I mean truly laughing)
-The Smell of New Shampoo

Ok...enough randomness...I should study...or go to bed...or something

Over and out

Another Lesson

2008-09-23T15:31:00.000-07:00

Strange to actually be aware of the life lessons I am learning as I am learning them for once.

I think I am learning what it is like to let go of things when it is for the 'greater' good. There are things in this world that I find myself wanting so desperately to cling to...to wrap my hands firmly in place and never let go. And yet, I find myself easing up. Letting go. And even in some instances pulling away a bit because it is what the world requires of me. I have never been very good at guarding my heart, and I suppose that's why it has been broken so many times. And in a way I suppose that small every day occurrences have of late, been able to break it once or twice more. Yet here I stand still smiling and going on with each day like nothing ever happened. I had to relent a little in a few cases. Even in the shades of grey that make up this world...there are after all still situations where the right thing is evident. Each person has the right to live his own life. I had to ease up on my insecurities or they would have taken me down with them. Now although they still haunt my mind, they are not audible. No one else knows that I am still so scared of losing...losing out...losing it...losing. And that is the way it has to be. No one else can do my demons a damn bit of good. I have said my peace...and now...I wait to be proven wrong. Oh how I would love to be proven wrong in this situation. I could easily make amends for the fears I've expressed. But to be proven right? That is a fear too great for me to allow even a stray idle thought to land on. Instead, I let it go. And I learn a great lesson of life: sometimes when it seems that holding on is all you can do...you have to let go.

"Life is a cruel teacher: first she issues the test, then the lesson"

The Assigned

2008-09-20T13:02:00.000-07:00

I hate writing for someone to read, to grade. It drives me crazy. So I suppose its a good thing I am not going into journalism. The lifestyle wouldn't suit me. I suppose writing just feels so personal to me....at least this current assignment does. I can write vividly, I can write descriptively, I CAN paint a picture with my words. But when I know someone is going to be reading it with the ultimate goal of assigning a letter grade and filling the margins with comments I have some trouble. Its not that I don't want this class to help me hone in on my style, or further develop it...but rather that I don't want to deal with yet another individual who doesn't like my style, as it seems my current professor does not. Maybe I don't have a style....then again maybe I do. Who really knows any more. It should be so hard. It is 5 pages double spaced. I cranked one or two papers of this length out in a day this summer. So why the hesitation? Why the stuttering as I try to put the words across the page? Who knows. I feel like I have to wow him...to make him take me seriously as an individual. Respect is after all something you earn right? Well...I best get on to earning it.

Still Life

2008-09-19T08:05:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning and the world looked different. Driving the familiar streets back towards my apartment in the slanted light of a fall morning, radio tuned in, it all seemed a bit different, a bit hazy or blurred around the edges. And it took me back to last night. Driving equally familiar streets...headlights of oncoming cars blurring into lines of yellow and then receding in my mirrors into lines of faint red. And as I linked the two scenes, I realized that my perspective had shifted. It seems these days I am constantly being shoved into adult situations...dealing with adult problems...being forced to shift my lens. And slowly but surely I have been less able to replace the "child" or "adolescent" lens back over my view point. Its not to say that the amazement and wonder I experienced as a child is no longer a facet of my personality, nor is it to claim that I can't use my imagination. But rather that I am approaching situations with a bit of a different perspective. I watch those around me struggle with situations that are seemingly beyond our years. And yet they deal with them. They confront them head on, and although the fear is evident in their hesitant gazes and nervous laughter...they are still walking heads held high into the unknown. And I find myself staring in awe...realizing that any child could walk head on into the oppressive unknown of the future, simply out of ignorants...yet for adult to take action of this sort, the risks and the magnitude are easily evident. Those around me know the risks they are taking...know the difficulties they face...and yet...as adults, they are facing each and every challenge. No choice...no alternative. People always talk about growing up like its marked by an age or a grade level in school. But I think its rather different. There are events in each of our lives that push us from the safety that is childhood, out over the edge, into the wide expanses of the adult world. We can resist...we can fight back with all our might...but the shift is inevitable. Growing up is a necessary evil...and in the end...we stand on the other side grasping no better at our purpose here...but we find that it is still life on the other side of the divide.

Falling From Grace

2008-09-08T18:35:00.000-07:00

Today I realized I have far too many detailed conversations with myself.

I can't tell you where the last two weeks of my life have gone. They've slipped away wordlessly between the unpacking, re-packing, moving, celebrating, and furthering my education. But finally I have a moment to catch my breath...a much needed moment I might add.

My cousin's bachalorette party is a blur of good choices, followed by poor choices, followed by several hours that to my dismay I can't recall at all. And it further reinforced my new view on becoming an "adult". After this summer, some of the choices it brought and actions which followed or preceded those choices, and then the night two Sundays ago at Chico, I decided that maybe becoming an adult is more about falling from grace. Maybe its about losing innocence and still being able to see the world as mostly good.

The wedding Saturday was beautiful and touching in all the right spots and I am surprised I didn't cry more. While it did rain off and on, the weather cleared for pictures and the ceremony. And much to my surprise, my yard was in fact a perfect choice. I am proud that my cousin chose me as one of four to stand up with her as she said her vows. She couldn't have married a better man...and if I do say so myself he couldn't have found a better wife. And the reception was wonderful. It was so nice to dance again. Well at least until my toe got crunched. Its not broken, its definitely bruised...and maybe cracked. But what can you do? Its a small price to pay.

The smiles shared...the dances...the hope...the faith...the love...it was what I needed. Despite the chaos I felt a bit more at peace. And the confusion of the weeks prior literally faded with the sunset. Happiness was all that was left.

Now back to school. Amazing that in essentially three semesters I will have only had about 4 1/2 weeks off. Oh well, so be it. I really can't complain (at least not TOO much). Classes seem like they will be ok. I'll have to try, but I am not opposed to that. My non-fiction writing class should be good. Openly being critiqued on my work...a fear of mine...and as I have come to realize, fears only live through the power I give them...thus bring it on.

Well Stats calls.

If This Is Goodbye

2008-08-28T08:26:00.000-07:00

If This Is Goodbye
Lifehouse

And day lights, craving
Sunshine on this frozen heart
I am wishing you well
Wondering how you are

If you and I are going under
Maybe we can both recover
And find forgiveness for each other
Even if this is goodbye

And time heals
But these scars keep on tearing us apart
And sometimes ending is the only place to start

If you and I are going under
Maybe we can both recover
And find forgiveness for each other
Even if this is goodbye

If you and I are going under
Maybe we can both recover
And find forgiveness for each other
Even if

If what we had is really over
If fate is out there we discover
Let's find forgiveness for each other
Even if this is goodbye

To the Future

2008-07-29T07:27:00.000-07:00

When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it attached to everything else in the universe. - John Muir

Drowning…grasping at nothing…and wondering exactly how long I will manage to stay afloat. It isn’t that I feel I am losing myself. Rather the opposite. I am finding myself amidst the contradictions that this place presents. To be alone and yet surrounded by others…to talk and not truly say what is on my mind…or to remain silent when every fiber in my being is screaming out in complete opposition. The feelings that are presented to me each day are not always good and are certainly not always welcome. I find myself doubting everything I have ever believed myself to be. I realize how much I have defined myself due to the stigmas of society. And as never before, I question my own place in the world. I question my intelligence and my definition of who I am. By what means do I define myself. As my surroundings change constantly, I find myself coming to terms with who I am independent of my surroundings. And it is a liberating feeling. But even with all the opportunities I am capitalizing on to grow…it is hard. I would lie if I said it wasn’t. In fact it is the hardest things I have ever done. Sometimes, I find myself wrapping my arms so tightly around my body that I feel I might break. It seems like if I just hold on…hold it together for one more moment it will all be alright. It is tough. I will admit that there are so many moment where I feel like I can’t do it. This is truly a test of will. I never thought that I would at points want to literally jump ship. I realize that it is not possible. I would never forgive myself…never regain this chance and these options. I think about what happened earlier during the summer and I think about all those that I left at home (I hesitate, and then refuse to say behind because I did no such thing I will soon be home with them again.)…I realize that I must hold on. Admittedly confusion does set in, and at times the isolation from everything that I know is maddening. It has given me a chance to see everything in a different perspective. What exactly do I want? What am I settling on? Slowly realizations that have been years in the making fall into focus. I often hesitated to feel that I ever truly knew anyone…or that I ever truly deserved to know someone rather…because I was still so unsure of who I am on my own. But as I turn to see where I’ve been and then glance at the near future to see where it is that I am going…I realize that I have a far better grasp of who I am. I am…emotional, fallible, delicate…and yet oh so strong. I am right, wrong, opinionated and strong willed. Even when I do fall down, it’s not for lack of trying…and I don’t think I come with a half speed…its all or nothing. I wonder exactly what possessed me to get on that ship. But I realize that it was just the beginning…just the start.

“Life is a road and I want to keep going…
Love is a river I want to keep flowing…
And in the end I want to be standing…
At the beginning with you.”

What if I told you...

2008-07-29T07:14:00.000-07:00

Dispelling the need to be profound…letting go of all desire to be eloquent…

If I were to tell you that I missed you, would you understand that nothing is more true? If I were to tell you I needed you, would you look down on me and consider me weak? If you could run to me right now…knowing full well that I would never let you go…would you leave your busy life and move quickly in my direction? It amazes me how many times your face has entered my thought since I last left you. If I close my eyes, I can still see you standing where I last left you…I can feel your arms around me…and I can still form the words I should have said trapped in my throat. I should have told you what an impact you’ve had on my life. Profound as it was, I am sure that even now I don’t understand its breadth or depth. I would be lying if I said leaving was easy. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. Its hard to be here, away from it all…and know that life is going on without me there were you are. But I realize the necessity of it. Absence can cause clarity and understanding. Although I am not sure that some of what has transpired will ever truly be understood. Accepting it is easy however when I realize that the world is growing and changing all around me. And I am in the midst of it all. Running to stand still…and when I do…hand in hand headed towards the future we will see exactly all we stand to gain and lose. If I were to tell you that I am growing up…would you accept me as even more your equal? If I were to ask you to simply stay and hold me close…would you do so willingly? If I were to ask you if you miss me…would you say yes?

Noise Pollution

2008-07-06T13:28:00.000-07:00

What will it take to quiet these voices inside my head? They scream silent contradictions from all angles. The dial tone turns into a ring…a knot forms at the base of my stomach. My hand, holding firmly to the receiver, feels like ice. For a brief minute the world flips upside down. The voice comes on the other side of the line. I talk…following my heart, barely hearing my own words. My voice comes across as a bit hallow…but it’s simply the connection. It all becomes more real.

The distance seems so much bigger, yet in a beautiful contradiction, it seems to not exist at all. I realize just how small I feel…how out of my element I am. A brief panic ensues…maybe I am crazy. It is a push to make it to the end of the conversation without tears. I find myself dragging it out simply to hear the comfort in his voice….the assurance that in time it will all be ok. I wonder through the distance…as I watch the sun set…is it shining on those I’ve left behind? I hang up the phone for the first time all day, the rest of the noise falls away. I am deaf to the world. The only sound is the pounding of my heart resonating through my already full mind. Slowly I make my way to the railing, then to my cabin. Consumed by thoughts of what is, what could be, and what has been. It seems that I am truly stepping out of the shadow of my past. Alone in a rapidly changing world…my eyes are seeing things not as they are….but as they have the potential to be. Each experience can shape and change me…but only if I let it. From a very trusted source, about a year ago, I was told to find my passion…truly find it. Because once I do, I will light this world ablaze. I suppose I am taking that advice to heart. Languages, cultures, countries, they peak my interest. They make me want to know more. Interpersonal relationships, while they confuse me and muddy the crystal clear reservoirs of my mind, set me off in just the right way. And the dynamics in a group of people literally could fascinate me for days on end. So maybe I am headed the right direction. Maybe my passion is just a step or two away…who knows. And maybe in order to understand the significant of one person in the life of another, I have to for a period feel small and completely alone. The loneliness no longer upsets me…I find it a comfort and a teacher. Strange what necessity can turn our fears in to. Strange what can come of being scared to death.

Phone in hand, I stare out my “window” the sun is still dipping out of the sky. I turn my phone off and place it in its resting place. Next time, I’ll find the perfect thing to say…the perfect way to articulate all that I feel…

Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than that fear.

We All Fall Down

2008-06-30T12:19:00.000-07:00

It’s the thinking that will kill you. Not the loneliness…not the vast empty stretches without land (although they are tough)…and certainly not the days without sun. They become routine after awhile. But the thinking that accompanies these spans of time, I am certain could turn even the sanest man completely mad. I wish that my mind would simply go blank…that all the ambient noises that accompany this life…the creaking of the beds…the whispers of the roommates…the doors opening and shutting…would just fall away. It is so challenging to get a thought to connect…even worse to try and make sense of this world that I find myself in. Action and inaction are played over and over in my mind. Each seen for what is…and taken for granted at the thought of what could have been. Scenes from the past come flooding back in the dead of night…and no matter how long I stay awake chasing shadows in the company of ghosts, the only result is that I wake tired in the morning…no closer to a solution. Maybe in trying to find a solution I am just grasping at straws. For all I know one doesn’t even exist. But if it all fell away…what would I see? Does anyone deserve that clear of a look into the void between what is and what could be? It is doubtful to imagine that clarity would simply fall into view. That with the disappearance of distraction life would ultimately and instantly make sense. That I suppose is unrealistic. The search for clarity it seems is one that is almost entirely about the journey and not the destination. It is about each moment that makes me smile…each moment in which I find myself truly experiencing something remarkable…yet once these moments pass I find myself more alone…and confused than before. Why can’t I simply be content to live confused? Why can I not just accept not knowing at face value? And why can’t I come to terms with this loneliness that has of late become my constant companion? Intentions are hidden beneath layers of who we pretend to be. And somewhere in the nonsense, even we lose track of who we really are. Questions blur and answers which were once the aim simply become a stopping point on the way towards more questions. It is a spiral…up or down it doesn’t matter…it twists and turns and all senses of direction are eventually lost. And in the end…it is inevitable…no matter what…we all fall down…we all succumb to who we truly are…we find ourselves…eventually we all fall down.

White Nights

2008-06-29T09:42:00.001-07:00

In the early light of day, somewhere between the place I knew and the place I was headed, I took a detour. I took a few steps off the path that has forever been prescribed for me by others, and I started to think about the way I need to go. I found myself opening doors that I had left closed for far too long…and I found myself truly feeling emotions I had sworn to leave out of day to day life for as long as I could. I guess, unlike the past two years, as dusk faded to brief night which drifted quietly towards dawn, I started to dream again. Not big dreams mind you…but dreams none the less. And in allowing myself to do so, I am again shedding a bit of the control that the darkness seemed to possess. It is interesting to look towards my future with anticipation and eagerness. Finally I found myself asking the question…what is it that I truly want…a question that out of fear I dared not ask for far too long. Once again, I realized how motivated by my fears I am. How afraid I am to let others down…but what about letting myself down? Why do I not fear that? Is it because I have always lived life with the potential of failure? Or is it that I have failed once or twice? (In truth it has probably been many more times but who’s really counting?) And I have learned to live within the boundaries that these failures seem to create. But the boundaries created by fear are no longer acceptable.

Amazing where help can come from…and when we are not even aware that we needed it. It should to me, by know be a common law, the law of necessity. When the need is great…even if I can’t really see it…I find help. I find a hand, an ear, a shoulder. And it can greatly alter my view on the world. I can’t yet categorize how this has changed me. I can see a change in my mind set…my mood…and my emotional state. All for the better.

What happens in the half light between dusk and dawn, the words spoken and those left unsaid at the expense of rationality and propriety, and the actions hidden by the early morning rain are all illuminated by the light of day. And as the world moves on…passing onlookers by…leaving some dazed and confused…comfort and happiness are all that remain.

PS

2008-06-14T13:28:00.001-07:00

For all the factual updates check out http://daring2explore.blogspot.com for everything else of value keep coming here!

Dear God

2008-06-14T12:56:00.000-07:00

So many feelings right now. So alone...yet surrounded by new people and places. I can't wait to see the countries. But at the same time I can't wait to get home again. As usual when my words fail...a song or part of a song can fit the moment.

Dear God-Avenged Sevenfold

Dear God the only thing I ask of you is
to hold her when I'm not around,
when I'm much too far away
We all need that person who can be true to you
But I left her when I found her
And now I wish I'd stayed
'Cause I'm lonely and I'm tired
I'm missing you again oh no
Once again

Leaving home was the hardest thing I think I've ever had to do. The past few days have been pretty hard on me. But if it wasn't hard it wouldn't mean much. So it has to mean something...right? Right. 3 days out...65 to go (well 65 starting tomorrow). And I am just trying to hold it together on my corner of the world...hope that life is good for each of you in your respective areas. Over and Out

Factors of Persuasion

2008-05-27T19:59:00.000-07:00

I can tell that I am nervous...on edge...simply because I have the overwhelming desire to buy a new piece of electronic hardware. You know, a new ipod, a better camera...anything with gears, buttons, and a long battery life. Something shiny...silver...black...eye catching. It would calm my nerves instantly I can imagine. But it is the absolute last thing I have the time (or money) to do.
I try to find other things to do. But I don't know what else to do. My dad just asked me if I want to borrow his mp3 player to take on my trip. So I could have two...just in case (I am getting sick of the just in case phrase by the way). No I don't want to borrow his old mp3 player...but I do want to buy one of my own.

I have never had such an internal conflict. My head is saying one thing and my heart in unison but complete contradiction says another. Usually, when faced when a dilemma in which my head and heart disagree, I usually go with my heart. My heart is where the right answer has always seemed to lie. So in this case, turning from the ordinary and going with my head is to say the least difficult. My heart says stay, but I know that I have to go. I realize that I have to go. It is scary...indimidating...but in 15 days I have to go. I understand that people probably think I am making a big deal out of nothing. And he understands...but still I guess I am scared. As always fears must be faced.

And tomorrow I may go electronics shopping...just to look of course.

Chocolate Chip Dreams

2008-04-22T11:13:00.000-07:00

How can I sum up my life at this point? No major complaints. The semester is winding down...and whether or not the weather is willing to let on, summer is coming. And I am becoming OK with that a bit more day by day. The month and a half spent at home will be amazing...the two months abroad...will undoubtedly be amazing...and if they disappoint, they'll build character. I have a speech due in two hours and counting. And once it is done I will be very relieved. One class will then be practically wrapped up...one down....three to go...I can live with those odds.

This past weekend...no major events to report. When asked about it though I would describe it as surprisingly uneventful and practically perfect. Honestly I didn't do much. I watched Pirates of the Caribbean 3. Slept in. Had a wonderful breakfast of eggs and biscuits-in bed I might add. Did some homework (far less than was truly necessary mind you). Journeyed to the movies and was greatly entertained by the flick Forgetting Sarah Marshall for several hours...then did much the same thing on Sunday. Sunday night brought some wonderful warm chocolate chip cookies and a brief guitar lesson. I learned two chords. And must say that I was fairly excited about them. It has always been in the back of my head to learn to play the guitar...and thus (given I remember the chords in a few days) I am two chords closer to my secret ambition.

My view on life at the minute: there is such a thing as too much time spent with a group of people. And the dorm living situation seems to contribute greatly to finding one's quota in such a matter. I understand that it is just that point of the semester. That point of life. I fully acknowledge that not everyone I see on a daily basis craves contact with me, and vice versa. So needless to say, I am feeling cramped...confined...and in general I am housing an overwhelming desire to break free for a bit. So the next few weeks will be filled with holding my tongue and counting backwards from ten. Its the only way to keep the peace. And why make waves at this point in the game? Its not necessary. I believe that a bit of fighting is good for every relationship...it relieves the tension and creates a semi-acceptable outlet for stress. Its like a pressure valve...small arguments here and there relieve the pressure so that big explosions can hopefully be avoided. And that's what I intend to do. Release my pressure so I don't explode. I have been on the verge of exploding (or imploding not really sure) for some time now. Wanting nothing more than to just break. Not a break, not a vacation...just a release. But for now, those feelings are subsiding. It seems time to learn to bend instead of break.

Thus...10...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2...1...breathe...and carry on. Its all you can do.

"Don't do what you want. Do what you don't want. Do what you're trained not to want. Do the things that scare you the most"
-Chuck Palahniuk

Pleading

2008-04-13T20:15:00.000-07:00

Whatever It Takes
Lifehouse

A strangled smile fell from your face
It kills me that I hurt you this way
The worst part is that I didn't even know
Now there's a million reasons for you to go
But if you can find a reason to stay

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
Believe that I can change
I'll keep us together whatever it takes

She said "If we're gonna make this work
You gotta let me inside even though it hurts
Don't hide the broken parts that I need to see"
She said "Like it or not it's the way it's gotta be
You gotta love yourself if you can ever love me"

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
And give me a break
I'll keep us together, I know you deserve much better

But remember the time I told you the way that I felt
That I'd be lost without you and never find myself
Let's hold onto each other above everything else
Start over, start over

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
and believe that I can change
I'll keep us together whatever it takes

I wish that I could say it this well. Sometimes the problems aren't in other people...sometimes they are in me. Sometimes the problems don't even exist. But I invent them. I hold on to them. I cling to them. It seems that it is a fundamental error of the human condition. I made something out of nothing. I ran my mouth...and ultimately I messed up a bit. But in the light of day, words were used to heal. Darkness recedes and ultimately...I was left with a situation that made sense. That felt amazing...and that gave me a sense of relief. Laughter truly does solve it all. I guess that's what it means...to struggle, to be human. And in the end to find a resolution. Then at the end of the day your not left pleading. Its nice to see the sunset hand in hand instead of on bended knee.

In Pencil

2008-04-07T16:13:00.000-07:00

"Don't ask questions you don't want the answers to."
-Unknown

Such logical advice. And I wish that someday I would learn how to successfully take it. It seems in life there are those 'big questions'. The ones that make or break us as individual...the ones that truly define who we are and what we become. But what's the rush to ask them? Why am I so eager to discover exactly how this will all play out? Realistically, the answers to these questions that I am trying so hard to get at won't change how I feel or how I am going to act. So why does it suddenly seem so paramount that I have each of these questions answered? Because I am scared. Plain and simple. I am scared of stepping outside my bubble...I am scared of leaving behind and possibly losing some of the most important people in my life...I am terrified. And my fear only grows as each day passes. So at the end of the day, lying in bed, the darkness closing in around me...these fears consume me. And so I break. I spill. Tears well up, and unable to rationalize or understand them, I just let them go. It happened last night. I snapped...I just let it all go...As the night grew silent, somewhere in the comfort of his arms I realized that my breathing has slowed...and in the morning this would just be a bad dream. Indeed it was. A bad dream that melted with the haze of dawn. And was replaced by assurance and the confidence I somehow lack in the dark. And somewhere in between the sunshine and the snow today I realized maybe for now what is, is far more important than what could be. Because I have no control over the future...and I can't correct the past...instead...I have to simply cling to each moment I find myself in. I have to hold on to the confidence I have during the day and let it get me through the night. Nothing is written in stone...not even in pen. Mistakes can be corrected...and if I let it, happiness will write itself into my life. Time to ease up a bit. The unanswerable questions, they will fall into place as soon as they need to. Above all, I just need to to relax.

Ice Cream?

2008-04-01T21:37:00.000-07:00

I should be stressed, I should be worried...honestly I should be something. But I am not right now. All I can think about is ice cream. No really. It started when someone brought up Fort Collins CO. I was reminded of a conversation...

Him: Do you want to get ice cream?
Me: Sure sounds good. Where do you want to go?
Him: I will take you to the best ice cream in the world.
Me: Oh really? Sounds good...let's go!
Him: We'll be there in time for it to open tomorrow. The best ice cream comes from Colorado.

Of course, it was a school night...we never made it to Colorado. And now I wonder...does the best ice cream come from Colorado? I disagree the best ice cream comes from Russia. And thus I am in the mood for ice cream. But I guess that's not what is really on my mind. Rather I guess I am dealing with some pretty big issues. (Or refusing to...thus the lack of defining emotions). My mom mailed the tuition fee to Semester at Sea yesterday. Today both my parents were shopping for my plane tickets. And as I started to think about it, I realized I am nearly two months out. I think that realization almost caused me to faint. It seems another step towards adulthood. And when did I become old enough to be an adult? I guess, as events from this weekend demonstrated, I can be mature when need be. But in all honesty, the majority of the time, I am good just living in my bubble. But as phrases like, there's no backing out now, they just make it so real. And I start to realize just how much I am going to miss about Bozeman. Just how much this trip may cost me. I can't not go, and I realize that. But will it, in the end, cost me things that I can't afford to lose? How do I asses the value of a summer...an individual...my happiness? I realize that this is a life chance...and other things will fall into place. I just don't want to leave anything undone...unsaid...unfelt. I want to make sure that all my ducks are in a row so to speak.

So as this daunting event approaches...I find it easier to think about ice cream. And whether or not the best ice cream comes from Colorado. And if in fact it does...how soon can I be down there to taste some for myself? Because at this point...the other questions are too much to answer...and ice cream, well it fixes everything.

Falling Slowly

2008-03-30T17:13:00.000-07:00

There is this amazing song from the movie Once, its called Falling Slowly. Part of the chorus says: Take this sinking boat and point it home/We've still got time/Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice/You've made it now. And it just fits...or seems to. A lot has happened in the past three weeks. I think that I have seen ever aspect of the emotional spectrum. Sadness, anger, happiness, love, downright hopeless...I've seen it...I've felt it. To say I have been there and back again, seems to possibly sum it up. But I would be completely misguided to say that it wasn't my fault. Instead it has been almost entirely my fault. And I can own up to that. Owning your faults and mistakes. Its something I am working on. Embracing who I am...and to an equal part, who I am not.

I learned again last night, that timing is everything. Life hands you situations in which matters can be addressed. And it also hands you situations in which everything is better left until a later date. And simply knowing which situation you are in is not enough, you have to instead, act accordingly. I felt my boat start to sink again last night...and I literally felt my life slipping. But as always, in the light of day, everything was examined and the damage done was in fact reversible. And for this I am so glad.

I continually found myself running into the question....what do I want? And maybe for once what I want is right in front of me...if only I will be smart enough to see it. I can't see my life right now in any other light, or surrounded by any other people, or waking up to a sunlit room next to anyone else. And that's what its all about. This lack of control that I have so horribly expressed...its simply a way to let go. To leave the stress to the executives in their high offices. Realistically I realize I can't eliminate all stress. But I can reduce it. I am reading a book called The General Theory of Love. Rather interesting if you ask me. It tackles the question, why do humans love? And part of it yesterday talked about why people have bad days. If one allows the stress from an earlier event to be relived and revisited through out the day, it allows a similar emotional response to be evoked. And I realized that I have the control over each of my days. So I do have some control.

As for the current situation of my heart...I'd say stable. And how much control do I have there? Well lets just say that I have the power to be happy and to bring happiness him. And again...maybe right now...at present...that is all I really need.

I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react
And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You've made it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody
I'll sing along

Perspective

2008-03-17T15:00:00.000-07:00

"Be kinder than necessary, because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle"

It is so amazing to me, how quickly I lose my perspective in this world. Things happen to me...around me...through me...and suddenly I seem to completely lose my grip. And for no real reason, other than I can. The mundane daily drudgery becomes too much...and I all but give up. Then something happens...the universe, in its all knowing way, sends something to me that completely reigns in my perspective. And I realize that life as I know it, really isn't all that bad.

I saw her walking across campus today, right towards me. I forced a smile, gave her a hug...and as she fought back tears, she asked me how I was? At that moment I was nearly speechless. But I said fine...and if she needed anything I was around. As I continued on my way to work...I thought about that moment. What right did I have to be upset...I had not just lost my father. My world had not been turned upside down. Yet even in her moment of absolute need, she asked me how I was. True strength...true beauty...that was real life. Raw emotion happening around me. And the grades I received...the classes I was stressed about...they didn't matter. I can't make any promises as to how long this dose of reality will last me. And I realize that probably no life changes are in store...but it is nice to, even if only momentarily, gain a little bit of perspective.

Intermission

2008-03-11T11:28:00.000-07:00

Stone by stone I built a wall
Brick by brick I made it high
Behind it I found protection
I recovered my strength
And slowly I moved on.
A few approached the wall-
A few attempted to climb-
But no one moved the wall,
Not an inch...not at all.
Then you came...

I should have come here much sooner...its been awhile since I've done this...and all that I can really say is that life just kind of got in the way. I realize that is no one's fault but my own...and I realize that we all have our problems. I guess that I am just taking the time to focus on my own for once.

In the past two weeks, my life seemed to literally fall to pieces. In a matter of hours I felt that empty place build up at the center of my chest...I cried until I couldn't cry any more...and when I didn't know what else to do...I stood back up. It's taken some time...but that empty place is once again filling as it should be, and again life seems to be starting to weave its way back to its predetermined path. What ever that path might be. School, surprisingly is getting easier. Strange usually school creates my demise. But for once...it is the constant....it is what I am holding on to.

Spring break has not been the relaxing week I was hoping for. Rather it has perpetuated the drowning sensation. I have fought with my family...tooth and nail over things that could probably translate into absolutely nothing of consequence. I guess its true what they say in the departed....wait two weeks...if you still want to tell someone something after two weeks...its worthy of being told.

I filled out most of my semester at sea stuff today. It's becoming real. And to be honest I am afraid. It has started getting scary. I can finally see exactly what I stand to lose...but I guess I also see what I stand to gain. So I guess we'll see what happens. It seems that life is changing around me. People are moving in and out...taking their final bows...as others are just starting to dance. It is strange to adjust to it...but piece by piece I am sure that I will make sense of it all.

My life will get back on track...and that place...at the base of my chest...its far less hallow now than its been in days.

The Foundation Shook,
The height started to diminish.
Stone by stone, Brick by Brick
The wall began to dissolve
I had made it high and strong.
Defining myself by its stones.
A few approached the wall-
A few attempted to climb-
But no one moved the wall,
Not an inch...not at all.
Then you came...

Act I

2008-03-07T11:13:00.000-08:00

Between a Man and a Woman
Flogging Molly

Between a man and a woman
Life begins again
Between love and confusion
Here Lies only pain
Take my world,
Heal my soul,
Shake my pride,
Do not let go
Give me the sun
And the moon above
If the stars should fall
Only heaven knows

Between a man and a woman
It's everything or nothing at all
Everything or nothing at all

In a rhyme or a reason
Will make us think the same
You tell me I'm half crazy
But you're insane

Take my world,
Heal my soul,
Shake my pride,
Do not let go
Give me the sun
And the moon above
If the stars should fall
Only heaven knows

Between a man and a woman
It's everything or nothing at all
Everything or nothing at all

She says love me like you did you did before
He says love me like you did you did once more

Between a man and a woman
It's everything or nothing at all
Everything or nothing at all

Take my world,
Heal my soul,
Shake my pride,
Do not let go
Give me the sun
And the moon above
If the stars should fall
Only heaven knows

Take my world,
Heal my soul,
Shake my pride,
Do not let go
Give me the sun
And the moon above
If the stars should fall
Then only heaven knows

Between a man and a woman
It's everything or nothing at all
Everything or nothing at all

Everything or nothing at all.

Everything or nothing at all.

Leap Year

2008-02-28T10:37:00.000-08:00

Meant to post about the lunar eclipse...didn't post...oh well.

Meant to post about the Oscars...watched them...didn't post...oh well.

Instead I dedicate this to how much I hate February 2008...which alas unlike last year..has one more day. It has been a miserable awful month. Strep...mono...and now a wrist in a splint. I slipped on the ice behind the quad yesterday morning...and sprained (or possibly...hopefully not...got a very small fracture). It was fun. 2 hours at student health...didn't see a doctor. Finally to the real doctors up on the hill...and in a splint I now find myself. I mean its not like I could have skied any more anyway...damn mono...but now its definitely out. And to top it all off...I am so stressed that again I feel like I have a kidney infection. Well I ask you...who in my position wouldn't be stressed? What did I used to do to relax? Do you remember? Does anybody know? Because I am at a loss.

Speaking of loss...Lost tonight. Should be fun. Usually is. I enjoy watching a show with people. Hmmm gotta foster that addiction.

Well assuming I do indeed survive the rest of the month...see you all in March...and hopefully my luck changes.

Sunflowers Smiling

2008-02-15T14:04:00.000-08:00

In ancient times, the sunflower was said to mean adoration. Maybe at times like this...little things like that matter. Maybe at times we all need to feel adored.

Sunflowers sitting beside the TV......still yellow, still smiling, still a reminder that there is a world outside these four walls, and this roof that confine me. And I am thinking that these past several days its a reminder that I have needed. A reminder like yesterday-that life will resume. Life will be normal again. And that despite its little imperfections, life can, if you let it, still be pretty damn perfect. I believe that cuddling is exactly what the doctor ordered.

Another season of One Tree Hill finished. Now I have to wait an entire year to know what happens. But it will be worth it. It was a totally epic season. One of the best in my opinion. I enjoyed every minute of it. Then the movie Gone, Baby Gone. Actually an interesting movie. It raised some interesting moral questions. Who has the right to be a parent? Is it simply enough to have given birth to a child, or should a person actually be able to care for the little life in order to remain in charge of it? The movie has an amazing cast, is full or plot twists and turns, and will keep most people guessing right up until the very end. I recommend it.

Today I should do homework. Hopefully I will be back to classes tomorrow at least one or two...still living with the parents....but partially back to the real world. Alas I think that I will be watching most of the Firefly marathon on SciFi. Amazing one liners...certain to say I am excited to watch it all for the second time.

Alliance Commander: "You fought with Captain Reynolds in the war?"

Zoe: "Fought with a lot of people in the war."

Alliance Commander: "And your husband?"

Zoe: "Fight with him sometimes, too."

Anger Manifested

2008-02-14T14:29:00.000-08:00

Parents are strange. They manifest their anger strangely. Mine are worried that I am sick...they are extremely worried. Their worry transforms to anger. And thus...my father threatens to take away Semester at Sea. His argument- Maybe they won't let me on the boat because I have had mono. It would be at this point in the conversation that I attempted to point out to my father that college kids. come down with mono every day. And thus as long as I don't have active mono at the time....I should be fine. Then he yelled more. And I went to watch TV....he left for work....and here I sit. Wondering if my parents are going to go a step further and continue to control/ruin my life. And I realize that it is just as much my fault as theirs. And I realize that I am to blame for some of it. I am going to pull away as much as possible. As soon as I am better...but for now...I will continue to inhabit the room at the top of the stairs.

Thanks for the suggestions, input, and advice....it was greatly appreciated.

"That sounds like a messed up planet. And if anyone down there tries to kill you-you try to kill them right back."
Firefly

I have indeed already watched both Firefly and Serenity. Good recommendations though...Thus far my stay on the couch has included many episodes of One Tree Hill, The OC, Accepted, Good Luck Chuck....and tonight...at 8:00 an ever wonderful episode of Lost.

On Drugs and Doctors

2008-02-11T17:02:00.000-08:00

Went to the doctor...he looked at me..said 'you are one sick girl'. I tried to laugh through the tears...I'm a crier when I am sick. The nurse came, took my blood. Then I pretended to read while I starred out the window and cried....he came back in. Said I have mono...and strep...and that I would be out for awhile. When I left the office we went to two pharmacies. Now I am all drugged up. Hurray for hydrocodone. Its some powerful stuff. Still can't swallow. But that's ok...life will go on. I am guessing that February is never going to be my month. Indeed just look at my track record. Oh well. I have to drop Econ 302...but honestly that's kinda incentive in my book. My mom and I fought. Why do my parents react to poor news with fear and anger. Oh freaking well. I screamed at her. It made me feel better. Its not his fault. Its my fault. If anyone is truly to blame. Again oh well life goes on. I can't wait to eat my Popsicles later. And I can't wait to be over the strep. I can deal with the tiredness....I can deal with the fever....but swallowing razor blades. Not my cup of tea. God I wish I could drink some tea right now. Raspberry zinger would do well. Very well indeed. Hmmm....maybe I will crush another pill in apple sauce...maybe I will just go to bed...and maybe in the morning...I will feel better.

As for the window...good to know I Can yell out it...not at someone but for someone...if I do my calls will be answered.

What else do I have for ya. There will be a new blog coming soon...or a website....for my brothers newest venture...a clothing line....kick ass T-shirts and what not. I should have some time on my hands. Its gonna be like homeschooling I guess...do the reading do the work....then read for fun...watch TV....I can't drop my classes because if I drop out of school next summer's off...god that would suck. Oh well then I may be able to just postpone it until next fall...wait can't wedding...too important...ok...well then...with so much time on my hands...my grades will kick ass!!!! Well when that is the new plan....ok...well if you need to reach me I'll be on the couch at my parents house....give me a shout out...a suggestion for music to download...or a movie to rent. And enjoy the winter...someone aught to!

As for the month of love....do something nice for someone....do something for yourself...and as I am learning to do every day....learn to love....and cherish those that you find that make your days worth living. Because in the long run....that's what matters...and I am so glad that I am starting to understand it.

Food for thought...why do all medications taste like cherries?

A Time and Place

2008-02-07T18:15:00.000-08:00

When did college get hard? When did school require effort? When did it become necessary to try? I wasn't expecting this...this wasn't what I signed up for. And if I could back up a few years...a few days...a few months even...I would take it all back. Or maybe I wouldn't...but I would at least be prepared. In all honesty the two tests I've taken in the past 12 hours shouldn't have been that hard. They shouldn't have brought me to my knees...to tears. But they were....and the sad truth is-they did. I should be able to handle this. And it is no one's fault but my own that I can't. I need to get over what ever sickness I am still battling. Today was my first fever free day in nearly a week. That's bad. I didn't need to get slammed with jury duty. Not today...not in this state. Damn judge who denied my request to be excused!!!! What part of non changeable did you not understand? Oh well...time to do my civic duty. Thank you Uncle Sam. Today was not the day to look out my window and see that head....that coat.....I almost opened the window and screamed out of it. But what would I have screamed? It wasn't so much the person that I saw treading away...but what it represented. Someone to vent to...to scream about life with...someone to listen. As I strive to find no words...silently screaming...I need someone to listen. To all of it, to none of it. Just to sit, and listen. I have gotten over my inability to cry. Nice. But tears are no good if they are virtually inexplicable. Life is challenging enough to just survive...but if you can't say what you feel-if you can't articulate your emotions...your anger, your fear, your love, your hate, the whole nine yards...then the challenges become insurmountable. Oceans are quickly formed from a single drop....mountains from hills...and canyons quickly divide your life from all others. I don't want that. I want to throw open that window and scream. About my day...about the two tests that momentarily broke my spirit. About this life I am living. This love and pain that I feel from day to day. There is a time and place to remain silent...a time and place to speak your mind...a time and place to run away at full speed...a time to stand up and realize...this is life...it is real...and it is all we have. A time to choose to face things head on...and after the day I've had...I guess the time is now...

When the Song Says It All

2008-01-25T10:49:00.000-08:00

Chasing Cars
Snow Patrol

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Sober (R.I.P)

2008-01-22T19:48:00.000-08:00

Why when there are no words-when there shouldn't be words-when words completely fail-do we still grasp for them? I can't seem to make sense of this situation. And in the end, I realize that it will probably never make sense. Not to me...not to anyone. I will not claim to know him better than I did. That would be an injustice to his memory. I will say that through the stories of his best friend, I know of the type of life he led. And I know with complete certainty the legacy he leaves behind him. Personally, I met him three times that I distinctly remember. Once on the mall right before thanks giving my freshman year. And twice at his house. Sadly I guess I didn't truly know him. But again, through his best friend, he touched my life. Thus this afternoon I knew, even before I got the call, exactly where I needed to be.

Standing amidst familiar faces and completely foreign ones, as the bell across campus tolled 5:00, I guess I began to realize the gravity of the situation. For a moment or two it was silent. Snow was falling, and it seemed the very thing he loved so much, was yet another presence pulling us together. Close to each other we stood...breathing, crying, remembering.

His dad spoke. Reminded us all the importance of chasing our dreams. Reminded me that no parent should ever have to bury a child. He recalled all the things his son taught him. And I marveled at his comment that his son was truly his hero.

On belay-belay on.

Climbing-Climb on

As the end of the gathering drew near, his friends went to a truck and retrieved his climbing ropes. Methodically they started cutting it in to pieces and passing them through the crowd. His rope...now ours. An eternal reminder. A beautiful gesture. Light the ends, they told us, to keep them from fraying. Make a necklace out of it. Use it as a reminder...to never forget him.

Later, on the back porch of the quad, I stood, with my stolen lighter. The snow was still falling. Muffling the world, hiding imperfections and flaws. Creating beauty-and guarding me with silence. I thought back to stealing this lighter from his closet. He told me to burn something important with it...to make it count. As I watched the flame dance along the ends of the rope and seal it forever from the elements...I felt the tears sting my cheeks. I don't know if I was crying for me...or all the others who stood with me only two hours before. But I do know that it was a sobering experience...and it made me look at all I could lose in an instant (for many of the people I hold dear live similar lives and practice similar pass times). All that other people lost on Sunday. And there surrounded by snow, and the glow of street lights, I found a deeper appreciation for this fragile life.

R.I.P Now and Forever T.S.

On Beauty and the Beyond

2008-01-10T10:26:00.000-08:00

Early this morning, I found myself nearly alone on my front walkway. The only sounds around me were those of her four legs pounding the snow, and the fairly constant thwack of a nearly frozen tennis ball against the old racket strings. Every once in awhile, she'd stop and I'd have to coax her back to the pavement, promising not to take her ball away until after at least one more hit. As I lost myself in the monotony of it all, I let my thoughts sweep over yesterday.

She's sun and rain, she's fire and ice
A little crazy but it's nice
And when she gets mad,
you best leave her alone
'cause she'll rage just like a river
Then she'll beg you to forgive her
She's every woman that I've ever known.

She's making love on rainy nights
She's a stroll through Christmas lights
And she's everything I want to do again.

It needs no explanation
'cause it all makes perfect sense
For when it comes down to temptation
She's on both sides of the fence.

In my first struggle with a negative day since deciding to find the happiness in life and only seeing those things worth seeing...I think I fell fairly short. I was angry at the situation. Being moved, yet again, to another office to assume new duties was not what I wanted. That was my first mistake...it was never about what I wanted. Not in the cooperate world. At least not in this stage of the game. But I let it compound...I let it stew...and before I knew it I was angry. The saddest part, I didn't truly even know why. So when he asked...I shrugged it off. I couldn't explain why two poorly made grilled cheese sandwiches ruined the start of a perfectly good night. But of course in my failure to explain...the train, teetering so precariously near the edge of the track, seemed to momentarily derail itself. Nothing, however, a glass of Chardonnay and a movie couldn't fix.

Later, snuggled up next to him in bed, it all came spilling out. The fact that on occasion the past and the present collide and I get lost for a minute or two. The fact that its all taking some getting used to...taking some time for me to get over it, passed it, and into the beyond. And there, in the darkness, his arms around me, holding me tight...I found something that I haven't found in awhile. True understanding on the part of another. Not just understanding enough to let me talk. But understanding enough to talk back. To discuss what helps-and what doesn't. To suggest, again as so many have, that maybe a neutral third party would do me some good. Just someone to talk to. Someone who will listen and not judge but understand...and maybe in the end help me to understand. I laughed at the thought of talking to someone. Not because its laughable...but just because its been suggested so many times. But as my finger traced out the lines of his face through the darkness...and I could read the expression it held, a mix of worry, concern, and love...I started to wonder at the truth behind the concept of seeking help and realized maybe I should actually consider it. In the end he assured me that it was ok, we were ok. And for once it was him who stated that it isn't a bad thing to have a past...it is a bad thing to dwell on it.

The night fell in around us once there was nothing more to say. It felt good to have finally said everything that I had been holding back. It felt good to look passed my mistakes and each our histories toward the moment were were in and the moments that would follow. And in the silence that remained...I found true beauty in the words spoken. And the way things presently are.

Quietly I turned Sadie toward the garage. And together we left the pristine, quiet, beauty of a Montana morning for the warmth of the house. And I realized...in the end the beauty found late at night and early in the morning is the only kind that matters. Because there is nothing superficial to get in the way.

On Happiness and Jumping

2008-01-07T11:34:00.000-08:00

When I was in grade school, they told me to write down what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down happy. They told me I didn't understand the assignment, I told them they didn't understand life -Unknown

Even amidst the tired eyes and severe attitude of yesterday...I found it. Or rather it probably found me. Despite the emotional set back of virtually no sleep combined with a lack of food...there safe under the covers, snuggling and watching One Tree Hill...I was happy. Truth be told, I had probably been happy for some time now...and finally I could start to accept it.

Accept it. Now there is something I will undoubtedly struggle with. It is not that I have lead an unhappy life...it is rather to the contrary. I have lead a fairly happy life. But as in any situation, there have been ups and downs. And sometimes the downs have seemed far more severe then they probably were...it, as I was reminded yesterday, is all about perspective. After all, as he said, its a car battery...its not a big deal...and he was right. But at that point...it seemed enough to derail my world. On balance however, I have lived a very happy life...and I do not understand why I have ever consciously chosen to be unhappy. It seems so silly...so senseless...such a useless waste of the god given gift of time, space, and human emotion. Why did I choose to be angry at a world that wasn't the least bit angry at me? Who knows. Maybe it was some attempt to feel special...maybe it was stupidity...or weakness of character...either way...it was such an insanely illogical way to go through life...and as I survey my current location I realize that I am at a point to change it...not because its a new year...but because I have realized the mistake that I was making...and once you realize your mistake, isn't that the time to correct it? Its settled...I am going to embrace this happiness that I currently feel...I am going to attempt to enrich the lives of those closest to me who bring happiness into my own...and I am going to tell the people that I care about...no scratch that...love...just how much I love them every chance I get. It won't be easy...and I am sure I will want to revert back to being scorned and angry (its easy after all)...but I am going to do my damnedest not to let that happen.

I am not sure if this was anywhere near what you were trying to tell me...but either way I am glad that you are free. And I guess, now, so am I. I guess we both just had to find our own ways to jump...and in our own time. But to me...at this point...it seems that maybe that's what life is all about. We stand so close to the edge...teetering a mere step away from falling...or flying...our lives seem to depend on maintaining that balance. But then all of a sudden we realize the insanity behind holding on. We take a breath, count to three, close our eyes...and finally...we J-U-M-P.

No Longer Broken

2007-12-27T20:19:00.000-08:00

I am the captain of my soul, I am the master of my destiny. Or are you? As the situation played out in my head, the familiar children's rhyme ran through my head. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. Oh how wrong small children, in their naive views of the world truly are. Often words are the most powerful thing an individual can have over another. So strange a contrast, so strange a situation...on one hand, to see the words zipping through the wires from one text to another-lighting up the night, making the stars seem brighter, and the world seem a little bit smaller. Then to do what I shouldn't...and log onto the Internet...finding words that seemingly bring my world to a screeching halt. I know, me placing blame where I shouldn't...instead of looking inside. Well this time its on me I guess.

Memories surround me...I am taken back to this time a year ago...to similar feelings of despair and hopelessness. The momentum of the negative catches me, like an eddie close to the bank, it sucks me in...until I am gone. Irrational-unable to see through tear clouded vision. Then I wake up. I wonder how long its been since the bitter sweet, awful past has taken me down that spiral. And again I realize...blame is partly mine to shoulder. So I do. I realize I still may be fragile...I still may be bitter on some level or another...but I am no longer broken. His words, as always, cut to the core because he knows what to say...but it was my choice to accept them as fact. I was angry, I will not deny that. But I have replaced that anger with so many other emotions...and it is all for the better that way. A friend who I consider wise told me that he's done apologizing when he has no need to. And you know, I think I am going to embrace that philosophy for awhile. I am going to attempt to live the way I see is right...and go from there. To hell...me...go? Its a little early to tell. But if so...then that is my fate...and my actions will be the ones that steered me there not the condemnation of any other individual. Personally, I do believe in something bigger than this life. I also believe that we as individuals make this world heaven or hell while we inhabit it. And as I feel that ache in my chest, the one that is a constant reminder that I am missing someone almost to the point that breathing seems useless and a bit futile...I start to understand that this world really does have the potential to be amazing. And it is this potential I choose to focus on. Someone once said, damaged people are dangerous because they are not afraid of pain. Ask many and I will come up as damaged...and maybe I am. But then I guess that I am thankful everyday for that damage, and for this lack of fear of pain...because if I was rational and feared pain, I may be afraid to miss someone as much as I do. And that would be sad, because as I am constantly reminded these days, its nice to have someone to miss. I have taken responsibility of my life...I am no longer angry....it is not what drives me...it is not why I get up and start each day...and for that I am eternally grateful.

Sticks and stones will break my bones-and the words you say CAN hurt me. So choose them wisely...always say what you mean...and realize in life there are no do overs.

Silence of Night

2007-12-21T11:31:00.000-08:00

There is something freeing about swinging. That feeling of weightlessness as you reach the top...the gentle pull down again, quickly gathering speed...then momentarily coming to rest at the top of the other side before simply being pulled downward to start again.

I will admit that I was startled by his request, that we go swing 'for old time sake'. But it sounded good. We hopped on the bright yellow swings. Slowly, methodically, as I had been taught ages ago by my cousins, I began to pump my legs. Snow swirled around me. And for awhile the only audible sounds were the clink of the chains against the swing set and two people breathing. It was raining last time I thought to myself. But for some reason it seemed silly to say it out loud. He'd remember...or he wouldn't. I guess either way it was inconsequential...because I did. He told me about his realization early in the day...that the world was beautiful sometimes we just missed it, he stopped before trying to make it more profound, and for that I was grateful. And in the silence that ensued, I thought of what I'd realized in past several days. Suddenly he was flying through the air...he'd simply let go and pushed himself in the general direction of the ground. He landed with a soft thud in the snow...and as he started laughing, he moved his legs and arms in the familiar motions...a perfect snow angel. There was more conversation, I know, but it was lost on me. I was so caught up by the innocents of his actions...I was in awe.

Later from warm sheets, finally at home in my own bed, I tried to convey what I had felt over the phone. And I know I failed. In the miles that separate us I could almost see my words getting lost and mixed up until they no longer formed coherent thoughts. But a few smiles later, I hung up the phone feeling better none the less. Smiling to myself in the darkness, I settled in for a few much needed hours of sleep...and I found my thoughts lingering on a question from last week...are you happy? It still shook me to my core. Am I happy? My answer still amazes me to this day...no-but I am far closer to happiness than I've ever been. And in the dark of my bedroom, surrounded only by silence, I realize nothing is more true. I turned my attention to the people I'd lost, realizing only earlier in the day that her name had to be added to the list too, and I finally saw them as influences I was lucky to have at the time, if only for a short while. I thought of someone a thousand miles away...caught myself smiling...and realized again...I am lucky.

My mind shifted back to the swings...mine still in full motion, the one to my left swaying wildly as its former occupant landed on his back in the fresh snow. Grinning from ear to ear he looked truly happy. I thought about the adventures we'd had...and those, like tonight, that we seemed to still find...his laughter faded into the night...the swirling snow seemed to cancel out the sounds around me...and I realized that maybe we do miss the beauty of life...but not because its linked to something more profound which we constantly search for and can't grasp...but because we're simply too caught up to look.

Parallel

2007-12-12T12:29:00.000-08:00

The same old streets just a different name

Same old house just the family's changed

Pickett fence The window panes

Freedom spelled by a man in chains

Silence is all we have to give

And the memories of a life I wish we'd lived

Strange to find myself so near my breaking point...running on so little sleep and yet still finding truth in the words, it doesn't matter how much sleep you get it matters who you wake up next to. Well that belief will surely hold me over for one more day. The advice echoes in my mind...to avoid stress just don't let the bad stuff in..in your head...in your heart...in your life. Easier said than done I suppose. But it never hurts to try.

Finals are in full swing...two down...two to go. They will be hard. They will challenge me...they will test me and see if I am truly worthy of continuing in my pursuit of higher education. But on this cold, grey morning...that's not what I find my thoughts consumed by. That's not what I am puzzling over...pondering...and trying to figure out.

Amazing how something that seemed so stable and secure can unravel with a seemingly close encounter. I guess for once I was so swept up in the here and now that I didn't stop to think about the ultimate truth of life. That is...it was in full swing long before I arrived...and when I drift away...it will keep moving. And there it was. The truth that this reality, seeming so real to me, is just one of many that have existed and will exist through the course of my time here. And with that fact, came the challenging realization that these realities still exist together. In the world, in hearts and minds...its just how it is. As if to confirm that point...the universe with its ever wonderful sense of humor sent me walking not two feet from the dual reality that caused the commotion last night (at least I believe it was her...no way to be sure unless I asked...and lets face it for all the guts I do have-that even crosses my lines). This caused me to think...maybe our lives are like lines...running parallel to some, to those who travel similar paths, fill similar roles...meet similar fates. While with others, our lives intersect...merge...and two become one...for a moment, for a day, for a year, or for a lifetime. But still to each line there is a parallel. To each emotion there is someone who's felt it first and someone who will feel it later. And for each of our actions, and the actions of those around us, our future realities are affected. Each person we meet affects us differently. They change and shape our realities...our perceptions...they make us more who we are then seemingly we've ever been, if only for a second. Therefore to each new reality we enter, we bring a further defined sense of self. A sense of place that can only be attributed to where we've been and what we've seen. Thus...when realities collide..as they so aptly did for him last night...he was correct to feel pulled...to feel sad...to feel something because who he was then was starring in a mirror at who he is now...and each was silently screaming at the other...I am happy! Thus the worry that I felt because this encounter shook him, was so far misplaced. Instead I should have embraced that he has a past, after all so do I. But that as long as he continues breathing, he has a future too. And that is true hope. And today...this hope is what I trust.

Eyes Wide Shut

2007-12-10T16:58:00.000-08:00

There is that point that we all reach, teetering so close to the edge, to the line that divides this structured sanity we call reality from the chaos just waiting to take over. A point where careless words, gestures, or faces seem to be the things wars truly are fought over. And for some unknown reason we find ourselves digging trenches and marking down strategies. Consumed by delusions of grandeur it begins to seem that only our individual lives are important. That our actions or inactions don't effect the world we inhabit. While this very same world is out to get us at every turn. I have fallen victim to this point in recent days. And I have almost crossed over to the other side. But the presence of others who seemingly understand has kept me tightly gripping the edge. So what do I do to avoid falling...I run.

Slow, very slow...first time out in who knows how long. It feels good. The pain it causes is a welcome change from the mental exhaustion and sheer torture my brain has endured. Somewhere in the back of my mind I know that if I can make the physical exhaustion exceed the mental, I will be right where I am supposed to be. I will be right on track. Down the familiar streets, to the familiar trails....and back again. It hurt...but it was exactly what I needed. As I stepped back in to the quad, I thought about it and I realized that I can finally say 15 down, 1 to go. And that one is 1/5 over already! Oh how amazing it truly is!

I am sure that there is an emotion that I am missing...a thought that I need to share with someone, or the world at large. But at this point, I am honestly not sure what it is. So I guess we'll save that for next time. Until then...biology calls.

The Space Between

2007-12-02T17:39:00.000-08:00

The space between-who we were and who we are every day becoming. The space between what we feel and what we know. The space between our heads and our hearts. The space between which we fill with meaninglessness meaning, silence and sound. The space between the words we say and those that simply can't be uttered. The space between in which the entirety of our lives are slowly defined and made. The space between childhood and adulthood. The space between the lies we tell and the truths we hold so dear. The void...the blackness...the space between.

I realized today that its happening. No matter how hard I fight...how hard I resist...how much I kick, scream, and drag my feet...it is happening none the less. I am growing up. My brother isn't going to be around on Christmas Eve or Christmas morning. He has another family to spend time with. My mom offered to give him his ornaments from our tree-to decorate another tree somewhere else...and bam in that instant I started to feel it. We are growing up. Later she held up a picture for Aurora and said 'see da-da when he was a little boy' Aurora screamed out of sheer delight and giggled. Da-da...my brother-growing up. And in many respects so am I. My 'Christmas list' seems to involve the practical...the everyday...the mundane. No frivolous unnecessary items pop up. Strange. But I am seeing the need to ask for what I need in this world. The wants take care of themselves.

Christmas stroll last night. First time in five years that tradition was changed. And for once I embraced it. Saw a familiar face in the crowd...he glanced my direction...no recognition. So this is what it feels like to grow apart. And the space between shrank in to nothingness. As if it hadn't existed at all. Last night was wonderful. Good friends...hot chocolate (once with whipped cream, once tiny marshmallows). Chinese food...not my favorite but worth it for the company. And that feeling of safety that I've found so much recently under different circumstances. This morning I couldn't help but wonder aloud if he was happy. So it would seem that he is. Good.

Amazing how much fun I could have doing nothing this weekend. It would seem that combined the right company and the right surroundings and even nothing can become rather thrilling. Smiles were shared...laughing occurred late into the night...and lessons in trust were learned on all sides.

I found myself questioning last night...which is worse: A truth that causes a tear, or a lie that causes a smile? And against my better judgement the answer came all too quickly--it depends on the situation. If its not my truth to tell...if its not my lie to live by...if the situation doesn't really pertain to me in any way shape or form...then the new policy is to offer support...and stay the hell back. Because in the end...isn't that all we can do?

"I can live with myself because at the end of the day I think I have done more good than harm. What other standard do I have to judge by?"-Changing Lanes

Legends of Fall

2007-11-25T00:29:00.000-08:00

I can't say exactly what this long weekend has shown me...but after some time to recap I am sure that I will realize that I have learned a lot.

Friday night there she was plan as day, sitting at the leaf and bean, with her mom. I can't honestly tell you when the last time I saw her was. I can however remember to a T what happened the day her dad died. He was sick for awhile prior to that fateful day. I don't remember with what...I was maybe 8 or 9. We were in Europe at the time. Driving through Switzerland or Austria. I must have cried for five or six hours straight that day. I believe that was the day that created the break. It was. After that we hardly ever saw each other. Come to find out that we're now majoring in the same thing-have some of the same long term goal-strangeness intensified. Then again yesterday...behind the counter at CVS. I haven't seen her in several years. She didn't recognize my parents. And from the back of the car she didn't see me. Therefore she didn't make the connection. I must be three years now since we last spoke. So much has happened to me (probably to her too) since we traveled to Russia...six years ago. Amazing how the circumstances determine who we hang out with. Amazing to see the friends I've lost...and even better the ones I've gained over the past two years...over the past three months...simply amazing.

I purged my closet yesterday. Took a white garbage bag that had been placed in the back of my car so hastily one night last spring. Re-read the words written in his hand that still made my blood boil. Then I re-read a few written by my own hand...and realized that I needed to throw it all away. The reminders don't need to be present...so now they aren't. It is as simple and as complicated as that.

Haven't been to church for awhile. It was a family affair. Bryce, Jenny, and Aurora came too. And as I looked around I saw my parents, my brother and Jenny...even the couple a few rows ahead, all holding hands. And I realized that I want someone to hold hands with in church someday. It is the little things that make life worth living and love worth sharing. And I want those little things someday. Does that affect what I do now? I don't know...but I am sure that I'll figure it out...and in the end...I will proudly join the ranks of those hand holders. For now, I am content to know that my brother is happy...and my parents two for that matter. And maybe it is as I always thought...Maybe holding hands more than anything else is the joining of two souls.

Take Two

2007-11-22T15:11:00.000-08:00

I've learned a lot in the past twenty-four hours. Well maybe not 'learned' but come to better understand lessons that should've sunk in years ago. And the learning process was not fun...not at all. But-so it goes- I guess. The point I am at now, I have to move forward...learn from what has happened...and take it one day at a time. I guess that's all I can do. No amount of apologies or anything will make it better...so with that knowledge I guess I will tell myself...if you can't be helpful be harmless. Never risk what you can't afford to loose...and always say exactly what you feel. And on this day...say thanks for all that you are surrounded by...for those who always care and always will...and especially for second chances.

Now for some advice from a far more credible source.

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream--and not make dreams your master,
If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!

--Rudyard Kipling

One Step closer

2007-11-19T16:47:00.000-08:00

So maybe this is what it means to grow up...maybe I am taking one step closer to adulthood...maybe these are the things that slowly start to make a person an adult. Maybe to grow up means to take responsibility for yourself and your well being...even if the process scares you a little (OK a lot). Maybe it means putting others first every once in awhile. Maybe its the conscious decision to make the best of each and every day given to you because deep down you know that no day will pass by again. If so...maybe I grew up a bit this weekend.

I watched a friend sit not ten feet away from someone who used to make her so very happy...watched the confusion and pain she felt manifest itself through her face in nothing but happiness. Strength the likes of which one rarely sees...and amidst intoxication...amazing. I realized more than ever, that it is OK to do your own thing....and that it truly is OK to 'meet up later'...maybe it was my new found insight to the concept of happiness...maybe it was the feeling of snow in the air (and yes it is snowing now)...but all at once I understood what so many had tried in vain to convey to me...independence and relationships can co-exist...if you let them.

12 weeks down...3 to go...almost. Only one day left in this week...and tomorrow will present a bit of a challenge. But it is one that must be faced. Its about time that I see to a few things. Then after four tomorrow...I am home free....five days off. Then it is crunch time for finals. But I am not too worried-despite the fact that I discovered Econ and Physics are on the same day (which happens to be Friday). Then an entire month to forget all I've learned, before I get the opportunity to learn it all over again.

And all at once the crowd begins to say, sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.

Perfection

2007-11-17T10:04:00.000-08:00

perfection
noun
1.	the state of being without a flaw or defect [ant: imperfection]
2.	an ideal instance; a perfect embodiment of a concept [syn: paragon]
3.	the act of making something perfect

I have found myself wondering lately...what constitutes perfection? What makes something just click? Is it random happenstance, destiny, fate, luck...or hard work? And why do we as humans strive to make something 'perfect'. In the pursuit of perfection we pass up opportunities to be happy, chances to change for the better...and probably fun. Yet there is something so illustrious about this almost unattainable 'state of being without a flaw or defect', something so overpowering about this 'ideal instance' that we seemingly can't stop attempting to achieve it. In today's society perfection has become almost the new state of nirvana to be attained.

But the past week or so I have started to form a new theory. Maybe perfection isn't something that happens, maybe it is something that is created. As I realized last night, happiness is definitely a cognitive choice. So maybe perfection is as well. Maybe as the quote says, "Perfection isn't one big thing, it's a million little ones." Maybe it is someone taking the time to say hi. A simple gesture such as someone gently taking your hand as the car is headed down the road. A kiss in the rain...a dinner where they let you steal all the conversation...and the check. Maybe it is just those little things that seem completely inconsequential at the time...like a sunset, a movie (and a hand to hold during the scary parts)...or someone staying the night because they know you are scared. Maybe its those moments that create perfection. And maybe if I'd let myself...as in the case of being happy...I would realize that I am a lot closer to attaining some semblance of perfection then I've ever been.

The poor desire riches...the rich heaven...but the wise seek tranquility

Ramblings of a tired mind

2007-11-12T16:18:00.000-08:00

Dancin' where the stars go blue
Dancin' where the evening fell
Dancin' in my wooden shoes
In a wedding gown

Dancin' out on 7th street
Dancin' through the underground
Dancin' little marionette
Are you happy now?

Where do you go when you're lonely
Where do you go when you're blue
Where do you go when you're lonely, I'll follow you
When the stars go blue
When the stars go blue

Laughing with your pretty mouth
Laughing with your broken eyes
Laughing with your lover's song
In a lullaby
Yeaaaaa

Where do you go when you're lonely
Where do you go when you're blue
Where do you go when you're lonely, I'll follow you

Where do you go when you're lonely
Where do you go where you're blue
Where do you go when you're lonely I'll follow you
Follow you

Yeah yeah, when the stars go blue
when the stars go blue
when the stars go blue
when the stars go blue

Where do you go when you're lonely
Where do you go when the stars go blue

So many random thoughts bounce around in my head right now. Such conflicting images this weekend (amazing), to this weekend last year...for a second I wonder if he remembers what happened...wonder if I am the one he is referring to...and if so what?...then I snap out of it and realize that is completely crazy to wonder. I tuck these thoughts away...to be forgotten by next year.

Today was fun. I am amazed that there is a hike up hylite that I haven't done...two lakes that I haven't seen. Admittedly I am a bit bummed that we didn't make it to the lakes...but to see some drifting snow...maybe ankle deep...totally worth it. The conversation was nice too. It made me realize a lot of things. Things that a new perspective or something. Honestly I guess this whole weekend will take me awhile to recap...feelings take time to straighten out.

Acceptance

2007-11-05T17:31:00.000-08:00

Are their five stages of grief, or seven? I can't remember. I know that in Dante's inferno there are seven circles of hell, so I guess both numbers apply at this point in time. Well either way-I have passed through the stages of grief today. Anger-the damn test shouldn't have been so hard, it was poorly written! Denial-I must have done better than I thought...it can't have gone that badly. Depression-as I walked towards Hannon Cafeteria I found myself very near tears and at a fairly low point. Bargaining-how many times during the test did I pray for the clock to slow down and give me some more time...how many times since I handed it in have I asked for simply a B...I could be happy with a B. And finally Acceptance- It was one test (worth 20% of my grade)...but its just one test. Life will go on...there will undoubtedly be others...more...similar in nature...equally as challenging...and I will for each one journey into my own personal hell and attempt to stand triumphant on the other side. We'll see how that works...but nothing else can be done now.

The bad day I seem to have had is just that...a bad day. No relation to the current battles waging away inside my head or my heart. No way related to the fifty minutes of sheer hell that I went through for no apparent purpose. It is just a day to be grumpy...a day to be sad...and a day to look forward to tomorrow when I have another shot. Life will always work itself out in the end...its just a matter of seeing each situation through. The end results may not be what I want...what I hoped for...or what I truly feel I need...but each situation when given a chance will draw itself to a close. And as each one does, I find myself given a different opportunity to make something of my life, to find friends, to better cherish the ones I have (as I am learning every day I DO have some AMAZING friends), to find love, and to further define who I am...Thank god for tomorrow...and for another shot!

First Time

2007-11-05T08:24:00.000-08:00

Another count down sequence has begun. I have my second economics mid-term in just under 3 hours...and I am terrified. Again I have studied. I have reviewed. And yet- it could easily go very badly. But I will think positively. At least I have a better grasp of the material then I did last year.

I discovered where my true fear lies yesterday. I don't want to get in so far with a group of people only to be displaced again if it doesn't work. Its happened too many times. As I reflect on a few certain nights or days from this past summer, I realize that despite my best efforts-that's what happened. I was brought in to a new world...only to be gently expelled when it didn't work. And maybe in this case the expulsion was equal parts both parties...although given Saturday night I am no longer so sure that it was as mutual as previously believed...but still...it happened...and I feel as though I lost some great friends. And I don't want to do that again...

And yet I do. Its a comfort to be so close to someone, a group of people, that I know I can count on them. And I know I have that now in this current situation. But if the rule of precedent applies (as it has in the past) then in then end I seem to lose out. And that's the last thing I want. I am happy...on balance (still a bit too much stress but...it is me). I find myself smiling for no reason every once in awhile...and I like that. Truly I do...

We're both looking for something
That we've been afraid to find
It's easier to be broken
It's easier to hide

Looking at you,holding my breath,
For once in my life,I'm scared to death,
I'm taking a chance,letting you inside.

Economics of Life

2007-11-01T09:30:00.000-07:00

I feel like I've taken a hit to the face...no seriously...I feel like someone's fist made a decent connection with my left eye. It didn't...I don't think-but it feels like it to me. This too shall pass. Along with the sleepless nights, or at least those filled with fits of wakeful uncertainty, which have me begging for a full night's sleep.

I discovered for certain that I lost my economics notebook yesterday. The one with the majority of my notes between last test and this...all of my homework....my last test...hand outs...and so on down the line. I guess I left it in class on Monday and when I realized it Tuesday night it was too late. I searched Linfield high and low...my room...other people's rooms...the long room...the Ask Us desk...work...nothing. No one has seen or heard from the little guy since Monday. In my sheer panic I thought about making fliers, a newspaper ad, anything that may help. Then I started to see this as an Economics lesson. The notebook is gone. There is no disputing that fact. Thus it is a sunk cost. I can do nothing to recover the work in it, or the time spent on that work. I have to move on. Would I have acted any differently, probably. But either way that cost is gone-paid in full and no amount of crying, angst, or anguish will bring it back. So I must go on from here. I must relearn, rewrite, and redo. And in the end maybe it will be good practice.

Halloween...fun. The decorations in Quad D were actually rather amazing. We had a haunted maze...and a strange tent like thing in which I sat and banged a drum...scary huh? It was a success. And the even bigger success is that cleaning took less than an hour and we were all able to sit around and enjoy each other's company and some pizza afterward. I was reminded this year that I don't particularly like Halloween. I hate being scared...and I see no reason for a day to exist solely for that purpose. Oh well...it only comes once a year.

Well...econ awaits.

Over and Out

Trip and Fall

2007-10-31T09:07:00.000-07:00

It has been said...to me...by me...to others and about others...but that doesn't make it any less of an awkward way to word things. As I watched events unfold for a friend last night...the resounded...ever present...I still love you-I'm just not IN love with you...ran on loop through my mind. I understand that it is a verifiable feeling. As my friend and I discussed on the way towards pie and girl talk...feelings can spontaneously change...one event becoming a catalyst and the tables completely turning....I mean spontaneous combustion...maybe...spontaneous changing of feelings for sure. But that doesn't make those words any more comforting when its all over. It just seems a silly way to phrase it...I once heard, Trip over love and you can get up...fall in love and you fall forever...ok, going with that, I find a good deal of sense. But does that make the love we trip in any less worthy? Any less real? Any less painful to lose? Adults call it puppy love, young love...why? Love is love. And although our culture doesn't seem to have enough words to express the breadth and depth of human emotions of this kind (I mean seriously some people distinguish by saying it twice...do you like it? No I like, LIKE it. Do you love him? Yeah I love, LOVE him.) this cultural flaw makes it no less real every time we feel it. Thus to make the distinction, seems a lost cause.

Along with this epiphany of lack of language...we discussed personal warfare and sabotage. And she called me on my current attempt, even if subconciously to wage world war 3. I am scared...I will be the first to admit it...well here and now I will. I am terrified beyond belief. I don't want to take the fall so to speak just to wind up realizing it was simply another short trip. But fear, as I have said before, can't be my motivator. It can't be the reason I do or don't act. After all, in situations such as this what does reason have to do with it?

Alas...on to school...to homework unfinished...and reading undone...to be continued

Finally Friday

2007-10-26T08:56:00.000-07:00

I have come to the conclusion that who ever said that age is just a number was clearly never too young to do something...or at least he never felt his age to be a hindrance...therefore how the hell could he know what he was talking about? There is a time and place for everything I do believe...therefore a time to act your age...and a time to not...and I guess sometimes I feel that the maturity I possess just needs to be thrown out the window...and one needs to be downright silly.

Its been a tough week. Trying to get my world back under control...and seemingly losing more control in the process...while watching the worlds of those close to me completely disintegrate around them. That seems to be the interesting thing about the collapse of a world...everything of importance can be stripped away...everything can seem to fall, crumble, and all hope can abandon you...and yet in the end you are still standing...shaken...vulnerable...but alive. Absolutely amazing. I guess it is true what they say...the one fact true of life is that it always goes on. But god I know sometimes it doesn't feel like it should. I am amazed at the strength my friend possesses...the poise...the direction...yes there were tears...but that's only natural. Through the tears, with the help of some wine...chocolate and a few good friends, came smiles....and a distinct possibility that it would all be ok.

I am 7 hours and 17 minutes away from a Friday night...and so much for the better. I want nothing more than to relax and unwind. A hot spring of some sort is definitely on the agenda...maybe a hike if the snow isn't too bad...a dance has been mentioned (a night to dress like Audrey Hepburn...how could I resist)...but mainly I need to rope in this perspective that I seem to be grasping for...or struggling with. I am not sure what has caused these thoughts to linger...much less persist or grow. I have never found myself questioning decisions of this nature...and I don't know what has led me to this point...and I guess that's the unsettling part. All will be understood in time. It always is. I am positive that the events of this week have simply shaken the foundation I was building...caused a retreat of sorts...nothing that can't be remedied...nothing that can't be better understood...building foundations will never again be as easy as it was...and maybe that's as it should be.

Half Speed Ahead

2007-10-24T21:43:00.000-07:00

Moon-moon-moon...shining bright. Moon-moon-moon...my night light.

Comfort in the words of a children's song-strange where I find solace these days. It has come to my attention, for probably the fiftieth time, that I am too stressed for my own good. It is true what they say stress can make you sick...and it is miserable. Somewhere between here and there I lost the fun...I lost the enjoyment...and I started to actually take myself seriously. And now, I have my parents all up in arms...worried sick about me and my worrying...worried that I will literally stress myself to death. The trouble is, I don't know how to relax...not a clue. I must have known at some point...but...as with the majority of my self...I lost it. I let myself get so caught up in the troubles of others, that mine just seemed too much to handle at the end of the day. My mother is becoming insistent that I seek professional help...why do I resent that suggestion so much? Maybe she has something...maybe I need another perspective on these problems that have become so paramount...what the hell are these problems exactly? Am I just rebelling in the only way I know...simply to rebel? Am I actually standing at the brink of a tomorrow that sooner or later I won't be able to face? I don't know. I do know that I am blowing things out of proportion...I am freaking for no reason...and I am in fact OK...if my mind could just convince my body that everything is as it should be...well I'd be in a much happier place. But how do you explain the difference between experiencing happiness and being happy to someone? It can't be done. Which brings me to another realization...the number of people I've seemingly driven away because of my inability to calm down and just go with the flow. I could add a few other names to that list in the near future...that's the last thing I want to do! So maybe my mother is on to something....maybe a professional is what I need. Too many years in our society have ingrained in me that it is the weak who ask for help...that only those who are incapable of dealing with their problems seek out professionals to help them. But maybe I've got it backwards...maybe it instead takes someone strong enough to admit they can't do it alone...maybe...just maybe...I am not sure...and at this point, I am not sure if I am strong enough to do what is necessary...

Out Soon

2007-10-19T16:29:00.000-07:00

Strange to wonder exactly how it could have all been different. I started thinking about the choices that we as individuals make...and as I retraced my life choices that led me to where I am at the present, I thought about what could have gone differently...and where I would have been had I taken a different route...followed a different path. Its safe to say I am probably still not on the right course...but I'll find my way there soon enough.

Here I sit, alone in my office, 47 minutes until the end of the day. Mad at my own stupidity...my own reckless abandon (or lack there of)...and of course student health. The anger towards student health, justifiable. I went in this morning, with a possible second round kidney infection (you'd think after last time I've learned the symptoms)...they ran the tests...said well you may have one but its too soon to tell...have a nice day! Well damn it...just give me a short run of antibiotics and maybe this time around we can avoid a near ER visit...but no, instead I shall call if I feel ill tomorrow...because that is the way of the world.

As I reflect on this past week...I realize that in actuality...it hasn't really been THAT bad. In fact quite the opposite. I have had time to relax, breathe and do a bit of what I wanted to do. On top of that...I got to see a few friends I've been missing terribly...and I got out of that vile Brit lit class. The mess that was created this week...was simply another case where my inpatients got the better of me...I behaved like a child...and...well par for the course, I got treated like one. In vain I tried to fix what was happening and I only managed to make it worse. I just wish that everyone involved could have stated their intentions and fears in the first round...then...I could have actually managed to side step each and every land mine I landed directly on over the past four days. Oh well...another chance to try again next week.

This leads me to an interesting introspection. Where does the foundation for my world lie. It seems that it was shaken greatly this week...I thought my parents had faith in me...and all of a sudden I turned around and it was gone...when I closed my eyes last week, I thought we were stable and things were "out of the woods" and when I opened them I realized I was still deep in the forest. I don't understand how so much could seemingly change so quickly. Slowly I look around me...and I realize that nothing is ever what it seems. Things change, then change back, with no cause or justification. And I find myself wondering exactly how life will deceive me next. New resolution...stop trying to figure it out...and just go with it...we'll see how long this lasts.

Well look at that only 31 minutes left now!

Declaration

2007-10-16T17:36:00.000-07:00

There are two lasting bequests we can give our children. One is roots. The other is wings. ~Hodding Carter, Jr.

It has come to my attention that you are unable to listen. That were I to stand on the rooftops, or at the top of the tallest mountain it would make no difference in your ability to hear me and understand what I am saying. The simple reasoning behind this, I am your child. I realize that it might be hard to bear...it may be a challenge to see, but I am growing up. I will be grown soon enough...and eventually I will have children of my own. And yet you can not let me live my life, make my own mistakes, shed my own tears, and eventually fly with my own wings. Well enough! There are decisions that you can not make for me. And it is time that you take into account the remarkable people you are and start to believe that maybe, just maybe, you've done this right.

You can no longer make the decisions that determine my life for me. At some point I have to be trusted to do the right thing, to choose my own path. You have instilled in me work ethic, values, and morals...and it is time that all three are put to the test. Have some faith in the job you have done. Realize that I want my own success just as much, if not more than you do. And I am hell bent on attaining it. So please...step back and let me. I will never be happy in a career I didn't choose...living a life that is not mine to live...so please just allow me the space to determine who I am and be true to no one but her.

You can no longer equate my actions with any direct reflection upon you. We are two separate entities. I am a person complete and whole on my own. Yes there is a legacy that exists...but it is not as if a mirror shines from me directly to you. It never has...and it never will. Our reputations allow us to stand alone...whether in opposite crowds or standing side by side.

You may no longer tell me who to care about, befriend, or even love. Too long have I avoided hanging out with the "wrong crowd" for fear of disappointing you. No more. I choose, just as you do, the company that surrounds me. I haven't always made the best choices. But for every person that has burned me...I have learned a valuable lesson. For you to say that this, as all the others, will end badly, is completely unreasonable. How dare you! You haven't the slightest clue what I have been through. You don't know the extent of the pain I've felt...nor can you begin to comprehend the joy and happiness that I have experienced in my short life. Maybe this is partly my fault because I haven't breathed a word of either to you...but you can assume some of the blame as well. You were never truly that approachable about the subject. And now...when I try to approach you...see how that turns out?

I will go on record to say that I had an amazing childhood. I was loved, cared for, and looked after beyond my wildest dreams...and I am truly grateful for that. But my childhood, for the most part, is over. And it is time for me to rise and fall based on my own merits. Its like when you taught me to ride a bike...as I wobbled down the drive, your hand on the seat...we were both scared to death. I screamed never let go...but you saw I was ready...and you took off your hand...well now...I am the one ready...and it is time for you to remove your hand. Your job has not been easy, I haven't made it a treat...but you have done an amazing job. You are to be commended and praised...still...its time...I must test the waters on my own...and you must believe in the strength of the ship you've built me. Don't worry...if I need help...I know exactly where to go first.

Don't Blink

2007-10-15T19:38:00.000-07:00

I was told by a friend today in honor of my "special" day to be sure and do something for myself...and as I left him headed on his way in the opposite direction down the mall...I shook my head and smiled...then I thought between work, homework...and general life issues....I was sure as hell not going to have time to do something for myself tonight...then on the way to the doctors with my mother I heard a song that summed up what I think said friend was trying to get across to me today...

Don't Blink
Kenney Chesney

I turned on the evening news
Saw a old man being interviewed
Turning a hundred and two today
Asked him what's the secret to life
He looked up from his old pipe
Laughed and said "All I can say is."

Don't blink
Just like that you're six years old and you're taking naps and you
Wake up and you're twenty-five and your high school sweetheart becomes your wife
Don't blink
You just might miss your babies growing like mine did
Turning into moms and dads next thing you know your better half
Of fifty years is there in bed
And you're praying God takes you instead
Trust me friend a hundred years goes faster than you think
So don't blink

I was glued to my tv and it looked like he looked at me and said
"Best start putting first things first."
Cause when your hourglass runs out of sand
You can't flip over and start again
Take every breathe God gives you for what it's worth

Don't Blink
Just like that you're six years old and you're taking naps and you
Wake up and you're twenty-five and your high school sweetheart becomes your wife
Don't blink
You just might miss your babies growing like mine did
Turning into moms and dads next thing you know your better half
Of fifty years is there in bed
And you're praying God takes you instead
Trust me friend a hundred years goes faster than you think
So don't blink

I've been tryna slow it down
I've been tryna take it in
In this here today gone tomorrow world we're livin' in

Don't blink
Just like that you're six years old and you're taking naps and you
Wake up and you're twenty-five and your high school sweetheart becomes your wife
Don't blink
You just might miss your babies growing like mine did
Turning into moms and dads next thing you know your better half
Of fifty years is there in bed
And you're praying God takes you instead
Trust me friend a hundred years goes faster you think
Don't blink

This got me thinking...what could I do for myself...and while I do realize that homework is somewhere on the agenda...I also realize something that maybe this friend was trying to tell me all along...have a bit of fun every now and then. So here I sit...at my desk...in an empty dorm room...and nothing I want to do jumps out at me...go buy a season or two of What About Brian...read a book...drink some tea...no tonight's not a really a tea night...at least not yet...ahhh well...I will think of something....after all it is my day for another 4 1/2 hours...there is still plenty of time!

Too Little Too Late

2007-10-14T14:59:00.000-07:00

I Don't Mind Singing song lyrics
Josh Kelley

Some words aren't meant to be spoken
But you gotta say something
Some things aren't meant to be broken
But you gotta break something

Sometimes you don't wanna try
But you gotta try something
Sometimes you don't wanna feel
Don't wanna feel nothing

Sometimes you misunderstand me
Why don't you just listen
Let me out of your shadow
Let me out of your prison
I wish I could make up my mind
So many decisions
I know that I will be fine I will be forgiven

I don't mind singing
You gotta try something

I'll be waiting for the rest of my life
Don't need anyone to save me

I don't mind singing
You gotta try something
Don't wanna feel nothing
Why don't you just listen
Let me out of your prison

Wish I had the words, the words to say
I wish you had the patience anyway, to let it go
I wish I had the words, the words to say
I wish I had the patience anyway, just let it go
To let it go

Sometimes apologies come too little too late. Sometimes the words we feel we have to say don't actually have to be spoken. Any action I could take now would be far too little far too late...it is better to just let it rest...to let it be...to realize what has transpired...then to wash my hands of it...to do what I have doubted all along...to find the strength...to get to my feet...to realize what I deserve...to realize that the past was not it...and that for once I actually have it...and to turn at walk away. Walk into the sunshine...the cool crisp Autumn afternoon...

Strange day....strange events...and moments ago, almost a scene from last night's movie. For the record, Reign Over Me is not the movie I was expecting. It was moving and fairly powerful....and I truly enjoyed it. I haven't cried in a movie for along time. But in the spirit of the thoughts it evoked...my Uncle called me a few minutes ago to wish me a happy birthday. He fought in Vietnam...from what I can gather...agent orange messed him up a little bit. It was like talking to someone in two realities at once. But at the end of the conversation...clear as day my uncle Rob stated that he was so happy to talk to me and that I actually didn't get angry at him for his ramblings...I could never. But it really made the movie hit home. Strange when that happens

The day before my birthday...my own personal sort of new years...and I guess I have a resolution for myself. I am going to continue to let myself move on...I am going to realize what I have...and go with it. In reflection on last week...it was definitely a hard one(I went from worrying about 1 grade to worrying about 4...but it will work out)...but at the same time it was really good. I don't believe I have ever heard the words, It matters to me because its important to you, before...in that context or any other. Amazing. And then yesterday, the trip up Grotto Falls...exactly what I needed. I need to remember that it is my place...unlike most others. It just makes the world melt away. And is definitely part of what makes this life make a bit more sense. I am excited for this benefit project that has been undertaken. I wish my aunt Diane was still around...she's be amazing in this area. This was her domain. But I guess its time to take to heart that I have a lot of her in me and just go for it. Alex and I will pull it all together in the end.

Dinner tonight: Potential to do a number of things. As this week as proven (and at what more fitting a time?) My parents have frozen their children at fixed ages....my brother is probably 18...me on the other hand...15 is a rough estimate of the age my parents still see me at. But seriously...at what point will they start to trust my beliefs and what I feel....I can make choices for myself thank you very much. And although as recent events continue to demonstrate...I may not always handle myself in the best manner...but I am doing the best I can. Eventually they will have to realize that the daughter they raised is doing her best based on the foundation they set down. Soon enough they will have some faith in their parenting and let me fly...after all I am going away next summer. Back to dinner...either things will go fairly smoothly with only a few minor hiccups...or it will be a disaster resulting in an epic explosion. My money is on the first...but who knows...either way the fireworks...if they occur will not ruin my dinner!...or for that matter...the actions of others will not ruin my tomorrow...I generally don't like my birthday...but it is still mine! And no one will take that from me tomorrow!

In the Morning

2007-10-09T07:07:00.000-07:00

Greatest Achievement since last post: Fighting a paper shredder
Listening to a the Present Moment: Have You Ever Seen the Rain (the fray), Fire and Rain (James Taylor)

It has been a truly long time since I watched the night and day skies battle for control. But as I sit, stressing about a paper, running on maybe five hours of sleep...I can see the rose of an eastern sky forcing back the dark sky of night. And it seems poetic...and possibly a chance to bust out my camera...say screw this paper...and chase down a photo or two. Ah this paper...Anglo-Saxon literature. Definitely not my finest hour...its only worth 20% of my grade....a grade that could make or break my GPA...a grade I don't even need. Ok now I am just freaking out unnecessarily...focus. The paper will be fine...to be honest I thought I managed to shake my perfectionist streak in Middle school...clearly I was mistaken.

Dancing in the dark
Middle of the night
Taking your heart
Holding it tight
Emotional touch
Touching my skin
And asking you to do
What you've been doing
All over again

Parts of last night are a blur in my mind...from the soccer game which was so much fun with only the normal pain through the texts and phone call, I don't quite know what happened. I am sure that on some level I am aware...but the point is...it is done. It is over.

The rest of last night plays out in slow motion. Genuine happiness found me and caught me completely by surprise. Usually the events that preceded would have messed it all up...but I guess that's what makes this different...that and the willingness to be silly...to be serious...to just be. Either way...it was what I needed...exactly what I needed. Amazing how a kind smile and hearing the truth from anothers lips can set one's soul completely free...and I have to say the Freedom is nice...

The day has completely dawned...time to get back to my paper...shower...eat the bagel so nicely acquired for me in food service...a peace offering and a wonderful gesture...class calls soon enough...

Stand and Deliver

2007-10-03T17:38:00.000-07:00

Well...things went better than I expected. The econ tests were handed back today. After the prof wrote the scale on the board and told us that the class average was a 28/50, I will admit I started to panic. But...I beat the average. I managed to pull a B. And unlike last year's B's I feel this one was hard earned. Sure it gives me a place to shoot for next time...sure it could have gone better. But the truth of the matter is it could have gone far worse. So 20% of my grade is a B...well if I can hold on to that, then in my mind I've accomplished something. And if I can't...well we'll see. For now I guess I just keep trying.

As for the rest of life...or what of it there is left after school, work, and homework. Its going well....I think. The events of last weekend still haunt me a bit. But that is nothing new or unusual. Instead it just is. Along with the feelings, I find myself wondering why I find it necessary to see the good in certain things or people. Maybe there is no good to be found...maybe what happened was wrong and from something like that there is no going back. I have started to watch myself in certain situations...after my talk with a friend. And its so true. It has affected my interactions...the shaking, its always been there...but the constant apologies for stupid things like the conversation over dinner...the fear of saying I want to go home...the fear in general of just saying what I feel...the inability to cry around males...even those I am related to or trust completely...the aftershock of what happened. Then there's her pain...am I just feeding off of it, because that would be a complete bitch move...or...in some strange way, is it allowing me to actually start to feel...to feel those emotions I've blocked out...those things that I refused to see and hid so deep inside last Christmas in San Diego. For her part, I feel awful. If only I'd have been a bit stronger...stepped up a bit sooner...maybe...just maybe. Instead I blended in and used my denial as a shield. And now...I am sure that I haven't made things better...god I hope I haven't made them worse...I just want to get passed what happened...move on with my life...and learn to live with my mistakes...

Last rant for the night-to those who think that their major is more challenging or difficult than mine...seriously...all majors are hard in their time and place...and we all whine about them...so please just be understanding...and let me vent when I need to!

Fear you won't fall

2007-10-01T09:04:00.000-07:00

Irony died in the second act
Reason abandoned in the third
With Courage gone and
Faith too drunk to go on...
Fear stole the show,
And with the help of hesitation,
Doubt, and indecision,
ruined all hope of a happy ending.

In two hours...its all over...yet its all just beginning. The first economics exam of the year will claim its victims. She has declared it will be hard, we may not finish. But that it will be hard for everyone. Sadly those words don't comfort me. As I sat in the corner yesterday, I drifted back to a conversation on the river last summer...he called me on my stupidity. He was the only one who had the nerve to say that I didn't actually try...and had I tried it would have all gone differently. I did my best to get defensive. To try and overthrow his logic. But in the end...as I drove the road from the Jefferson home, I realized that he was right. So this weekend, I tried. I studying for at least eight hours...something completely foreign to me. I did practice problems. Re-read parts that confused me...made note cards...got frustrated...calmed down and started again. And in the early morning light of my bed room, shadows slowly taking shape and dancing on my walls, I wondered silently if it would be enough. But more than that, if maybe just maybe, for once he's be proud of me. Quickly I dismissed it. It is not for anyone else that I face this fear...it is for me, and me alone. There comes a time when you have to prove it to yourself. Fears can be faced. And these fears are major for me. The prospect of failure makes some work harder. Others just tend to shrink from it. To cower in fear in the smallest corners of their hearts and accept failure before it comes. Sadly my habits tend to drift towards the later. But today...today that changes. Today I ride out to meet my fears head on...these words ringing in my head, Anything I've ever done that ultimately was worthwhile... initially scared me death. (Betty Bender). In the end, I am scared...but I feel somewhat ready. I can tell you what elasticities mean, how to find a demand curve, how to optimize...and so on. Now its just a matter of trusting myself and letting the pieces fall where they may. I feel the way I felt before those sprint races...slowly I approach the line...jump up and down...slowly I shake off the nerves and step into the blocks....I wipe my hands on my shorts...I stare down the lane at the finish then I fix my eyes on the track....the starter yells set...every muscle in my body is posed waiting for its release...all the tension is contained wanting nothing more than to be let out....there is no turning back...the gun goes...and in a split second...life changes.

Cross Fire

2007-09-29T16:42:00.000-07:00

No time for goodbye he said
As he faded away
Don't put your life in someone's hands
Their bound to steal it away
Don't hide your mistakes
'Cause they'll find you, burn you
Then he said

If you want to get out alive
Run for your life
If you want to get out alive
Run for your life

This is my last time she said
As she faded away
It's hard to imagine
But one day you'll end up like me

Amazing...the pieces of ourselves that we hide from the world, in hopes that no one else will see. The things that we don't admit to a crowded room-the things that we can't even utter to a pillow in the dead of night...they always catch up to us. Whether rational, or irrational, fears of what people will think of us because of our weaknesses contain the words that need to be spoken. Today, I feel I broke free of a small part of this fear...because I had to. The situation called for an adult...the moves made placed too many people in check and check mate seemed only a move away. So, shaking...scared...but believing in the truth, I stepped up. And maybe I diffused a situation that could have gotten out of hand...and then again maybe in my desire to save, I made it all so much worse...time will tell. Everything has to get worse before it gets better. As I sit here...in my desk where so many tears were shed, so many conversations held over this very same issue...half of me wishes I'd have stayed the hell out...it after all isn't my business any more. And no matter how noble the cause I will never let myself be a pawn in the war of others....but another part of me says no...its right...even if war does break lose...you did what you had to do...you spoke up and stepped in where you thought you needed to...and you wouldn't have been you if you'd have handled it any other way. I wouldn't have been me...good god this time last year I didn't even know who I was...and maybe I still don't. But I know who I am not...I know what I am worth, and today reiterated that to a very strong degree. I am my father's daughter...and today, I did what my father would have done, with far more decorum than he ever would have had. Yes now I have to face the music and tell certain people exactly what went down....and that may screw some stuff up...but in the end....it needed to happen. I don't understand this calculated, cold, manipulative manner I've encountered...on either side...its not me...it might have been me at one point but now its not...and I guess the only real danger from today is that I may get caught in the cross fire and go down with the ship...but that's a risk I guess I have to take!

On to other matters...why the hell do I have no desire to actually try in econ...good god, I have studied...but then again...no I haven't. I don't seem to give a damn...and why the hell is that? I want to write. And maybe I am not that good at it...but its what I love (in case you couldn't tell)...hmmm....maybe I will reward myself for studying by letting myself write. I wish that someone could tell me what I should do....do I continue to coast through a major I dislike in light of a future that I could be happy with. I mean I could be happy with a lot of things...or do I go where I want and see what happens...who knows....eventually it will all make sense...but eventually is definitely not today.

The weather mirrors my mood. The frustration for the situations I find myself in presently is mounting...the rain and snow seem to hide me from parts of myself I dare not look too deeply at. The emotions that have taken root are unlike any that I have ever known....so where does that put me? Somewhere off the map I suppose...but I've been off the map for awhile now...so I guess its normal. Ok...time to be done...time to do econ...time to turn my back to the wars being waged all around me and focus on the wars raging inside myself...time to say...no matter how brief, it was nice...it made it all make sense...but now we have two different paths to travel...you sadly will turn down your destructive road and ruin happiness for those you meet....me...down the path of reconstruction and ultimately towards moving on.

Dream a dream of me

2007-09-27T10:24:00.000-07:00

I wonder how aware of our surroundings we are in our sleep...how much of our subconscious mind is actually aware of where we are and who we are with? When I was little, I was a definite kicker in my sleep. My parents would come in to wake me up in the morning and the covers would be turned inside out and my head would be at the foot of the bed, and yet I would have slept through the whole thing. They said I'd grow out of it, and I guess to some extent I did. For certain, when in bed with someone else, I don't kick or pull or what not. I seem to have awareness of the body lying next to me. But for some reason, back in this bed....in this room....I can't stay still at night. Every night since I've been back I've woken up to covers on the floor...and this morning Kassy said that at some point last night she woke up and I was on top of all the covers...but when we woke up at the second alarm, I was under them...and I have no recollection of waking up and getting back under the all too familiar blue comforter ...strange. I haven't slept this fitfully since I was a small child. And I only sleep this way here. And I only sleep this way here. The past few nights I spent at home...well the covers stayed in tact all night. What does that say? On average...I know that I am used to sharing this bed...or when I am awake I know that I used to. But when I sleep...do I still realize that...am I aware of my space...good god why am I so fitful now...I'm sure that again I will grow out of it...but it is puzzling. And I guess I would love to ask Freud what it means...am I just declaring my space, am I searching...well in the after life when I see him...I'll be sure to ask.

Other that that...I am not sure what's up these days. I am sick...but I don't know how much of this can be blamed on that. I seem to want answers...I've been going 'round and 'round with myself...and all I can come up with it that life is probably as it should be. I am settling back in to my routine of school, work, homework, and weekends. If I am counting right...its 5 down and 10 to go tomorrow. Which means that I have 25 weeks left in my sophomore year...and 8 months until I leave for the summer...and honestly that, and a select few people are all that's getting me through right now. Realistically I should be studying for econ...I do have that midterm on Monday. But I'll spend the afternoon in the corner...I can't call it my corner....it isn't...therefore its just THE corner...either way, that's where I'll be this afternoon, water, cranberry juice and econ...oh so much fun. I'll get it figured out. I am worried...but then if I wasn't I would know that something was truly wrong. As for these thoughts that I can't seem to peg...that I can't seem to track down and hold still long enough to create a point...they'll still be around this afternoon...and maybe in the sunshine they will come out to play...and then I'll have some clarity. I doubt it...but either way...life is as it should be....with a few exceptions...but then there are always exceptions...and until the exception does indeed become the rule...I am not going to worry. Well physics calls...then econ...then a paper...thenSpanish extra credit...then...well then who knows...its a Thursday night...so I guess we'll see.

Jumping Ship

2007-09-26T14:44:00.000-07:00

For the record, kidney infections are awful. Its not so much that I feel sick, I just am in pain. First my right side wouldn't stop throbbing, and now of course the left side, feeling left out, joined in. I must say this is one experience I could have gone my life without...oh well...it will get better. Thank god for antibiotics!

For the rest of what there is to say...as usual a song seems to say it all. Maybe when I am feeling better I will be capable of an original thought...but does such a thing really exist? Who knows....either way....

The grey ceiling on the earth

Well it's lasted for a while
Take my thoughts for what they're worth
I've been acting like a child
In your opinion, and what is that?
It's just a different point of view

What else can I do?
I said I'm sorry, yeah I'm sorry.
I said I'm sorry , but for?
If I hurt you then I hate myself
Don't want to hate myself,
don't want to hurt you

Shattered

2007-09-17T15:41:00.000-07:00

It should matter so little-
It should be of far less consequence.
Nothing after all will fade with time-
It it was truly meant to stay.
Nothing good would come so quick-
If it wasn't all going to end ok.
Relative term to end ok-to be alright-
It guess it really doesn't matter
As long as you'll hold me tonight.

-K.A.B

One day, I am sure that I will look back on all of the heartache and hardship of my so called youth and I will smile with amusement. That knowledge however doesn't get me through. Not on days like today...

I want in some great capacity or another to get angry. I feel the overwhelming desire to get mad, throw a chair, shatter a glass/plate, god forbid...to punch someone. Maybe that's what soccer was good for...channeling rage into an acceptable outlet. I feel it coming from every muscle, every fiber, every cell...so much unharnessed energy that even when sitting still-I shake. I almost lost control on Saturday night...almost exploded. And maybe in that case the anger was justifiable...maybe it would have been well placed-maybe it would have finally gotten the point across. But today-today replaced it with a different sort of anger...anger at the lack of control that I seem to have for the situations I find myself in. I would love to think that I handled myself with decorum and grace equal to that of an adult...but in reality I acted like a slighted child. One who could barely contain her emotions long enough to get out of ear shot...to the one who was slighted...if you are reading this, good god do I owe you one amazing apology, no excuses, no rants, just know that I am sorry...I'm still trying to figure this out, but you deserve better. Even hours later the anger still boils...now its source has changed...now its me...insufferable...

On the up side, I was able to schedule and hold a nervous break down on Thursday night without much fuss. After a bit of introspection, I, along with a brave few (probably more worried than brave, but either way...) laid in the courtyard grass for a bit. Starring up at the night sky...wrapped in a sweatshirt that doesn't quite belong...I thought about everything. And I finally began to feel. That empty place I knew was coming started to form...as if a small piece had been hollowed out and taken away. History has shown that in time it will fill again with other distractions...but for the time being I guess I am doing ok with feeling it...well not ok...I am doing horrible...but its comforting to know that I am not numb. In one capacity or another I can still choose to feel...and right now I feel rage...as One Tree Hill once stated..."When your heart breaks you have to fight like hell to know you're alive-because you are. The confusion and pain you feel, that's life and that is worth fighting for." Did my heart break...in all honesty I don't know...am I confused...in more ways than I truly understand. What do I do from here...I guess for now I fight...I may not want to-it may be a struggle-but I guess I have no other choices-at least none I want to dwell on.

Fade to Black

2007-09-12T21:51:00.000-07:00

Isn't it perfect how the memories feel the same. Isn't it amazing how the song remains unchanged.

To say that is has been one of those days...an understatement- One of those weeks, thus far completely true. It can't only be Wednesday...this week has truly taken its toll. So many things to do...and no motivation to do them. That's what 8 hours of homework can do for you on a Sunday...shoot your motivation to hell for the rest of the week. Econ managed to claim its first nervous break down last night...complete with tears...hair pulling...and the well placed curse word. And all the while, the thought in the back of my head was, help is only a phone call away...but that's one life line I can't reach out and grab...not today...and very possibly not ever. Therefore it is both a comfort and an annoyance...a comfort to know that it exists...and an annoyance to realize that when the earthquake hit...and the fall out occurred...my life line landed on the other side of the fault line. In plain sight...in ear shot...but oh so far out of reach. So it goes I guess.

Speaking of life lines...I've been repeatedly thrown a good one this past week...but what happens when the very same person who is throwing you a line needs you to throw one in return? I guess it is similar to the question, what if the only person who can put your world back together is the very same one who destroyed it? In either case...it all comes down to dependency. Damn it I thought I was independent...that's what everyone keeps telling me. I couldn't have made these plans for next summer and all without some independence. So why do I find myself searching the crowded mall during passing...smiling when my phone rings...doing a million little things that seem to scream dependence. I know how to answer the worlds destroyed question. Experience shows me that if my world falls apart, it is more often then not a result of my own actions or inactions...but this life line...its not because of something I did or didn't do...it just is...and the more I realize that...the more I accept that things happen for a reason...and that people come in and leave life when we need them most, the more it makes sense...and maybe...just maybe the life line won't have to disappear in the end...maybe this time, in the end...when it fades to black I won't be left waiting for the sunrise on my own.

"I pretend that I'm better then I've ever been. Well at least that's what I tell my friends , because I can't show my face I can't lie that I think from time to time, how you were...But don't hang up, because what I really meant to say is...When everything's wrong and nothing's goin' right, just know that I'm not hard to find. So just say the word and I'll race to you tonight. And I'll be right there by your side. It's hard enough to believe in somethin', more than just pretend...just because we both know it's over...We can still be friends."

Double Edged

2007-09-10T15:40:00.000-07:00

Today, I find myself with an incurable case of the Monday's...I also find myself asking a question that my mother always asked me after every day of grade school...."Well Honey...what did you learn today." And although in retrospect, today, other than the hour spent in Econ, seemed to offer very little in the way of book smarts...I do believe that I learned a few things.

1) In all cases it is not necessary to be polite and work your way around the questions asked, this will simply lead to more frustration on the part of both parties involved....

To put it simply...learn to say no. Don't give me an excuse, don't give me a reason-its not that hard...just flat out say no. Honestly it will make you feel more free...and it will cut less closely to those you are disengaging from...trust me. Take some advice from the ever acclaimed Nike...and just do it...just say no.

2) Heat...its not just a good idea. With the Montana temp. dipping into the low 30's last night (way too cold for this time of year if you ask me!) the fact that the quad heat is not yet on has become apparent. As we all sat in the long room, in various combinations of hats, sweats, and warm socks yesterday, it seemed silly to me that we should pay for housing and yet freeze. My new hope, that the heat is not turned on in time, the pipes burst, and MSU has to pay for all of my stuff!

3) The things that make your day are often the very same things that will break it. In essence every situation is a double edged sword. I saw the familiar stance from probably 100 yards away. Spent the next 90 yards convincing myself I was wrong and knew nothing...the next 7 cued in to the song switch on my iPod, Third Eye Blind ironically...and the remaining 3...doing my damnedest to not break eye contact. It was nice to see the smile...but more than that to know that it was heartfelt...it was also painful to know the circumstances. Its strange to realize that in each situation there is going to be good and bad....sometimes more bad than good and vice-versa. Work, got off 2 hours early. It gives me more time to do stuff for me...but in turn I have less money coming back at the end of the month...double edged sword.

So mom...there you have it, day one of week three of my second year of college and that's what I've learned...I am sure in the over all ranking of useful information it will fall somewhere between don't pee into the wind and how to derive an equation to maximize profit. Speaking of which, econ calls. At least I know I'll live to learn another day!

When it Comes...

2007-09-09T17:34:00.000-07:00

I saw the most amazing, captivating, and awe inspiring sunset the other night. It lit up the western sky with such amazing intensity. There were oranges, yellows, golds, and pinks, the likes of which are hard to find in this world. It lasted for an hour...and in then end, I was not the least bit sad to see it go, because it had happened...because it had touched me...because it had left its mark, not just on my mind, but on my heart...and this thought...this need to have seen it even though in the end it would fade and the darkness of night would come...led my thoughts elsewhere as I drove the familiar dirt road. As I drove in the dusk of Indian Summer, I saw the scene around me blur...suddenly I was back there...it was snowing...the night was dark...and in the passenger seat of his car I felt so safe...so secure. Back to the present, the road twisted and turned through the twilight...and as it did I began to think about regrets...I thought about what happened that night...how life was changed...and how it is still changing today. As I approached the large hill that divides the climb from the descent...again I was surrounded by snow...and again in my stomach I felt the fleeting feeling that maybe his car wasn't going to make it...his car crests over the hill...and I put my mind in neutral as mine slides down the other side. Back to the main road...towards the setting sun...past the place where everything truly changed...back to the present. In the eerie silence following the setting sun...I start to accept life as I now know it...

But acceptance is a challenging thing to maintain...and in the nights since the sunset I have slipped...I have stumbled...and undoubtedly I will fall. But again....it touched me...it moved me...and in the end it will be worth it.

One more week of school down (current count 2 down 13 to go). One more week to allow confusion to mount...and one more week to gain perspective. Eventually it will all make sense. These fears are irrational...although that makes them no less real. Eventually I will be able to look back and understand how all of this has shaped and changed me...I let go of so much in the course of the past week. And in the end...as I am realizing every day...what we let go of shapes and changes us just as much as what we hold on to. Coffee when I am ready...dear god I hope I am ready soon...I don't want to rush it...I don't want to put too much stress or pressure where none should lie...baby steps...crawl before you walk...all that jazz...in the end...I guess its just nice to know that I have coffee waiting for me in the future...and for now, I will go from there.

Matters of Personal Strength

2007-09-05T07:13:00.000-07:00

One week down fourteen to go. That looks rather bleak...but on the up side, when asked in 13 weeks, the reverse will be true. The first week of school went rather well. I am not yet behind in any class, Kassy and I got some pictures and such up on our walls, superman will forever protect me while I sleep. And econ has yet to make me cry! I know, three small triumphs in a world of seemingly perpetual set backs...but its the little things I am focusing on. I may have managed to fix my desk top computer...whether or not its right I have finished an entire econ homework assignment with very little outside help, a task that I wouldn't have dared attempt last year...but I guess the difference now is, I have no choice. Sinking or swimming seem, this year, to be much less a matter of the strength of those around me, and much more a matter of the inner strength I do or do not possess. Both a comforting and terrifying shock! Inner strength...amazing.

Take a breath and count to ten,
Fall apart and start again.

That said...I am definitely in the mood to spend some quality time with myself. I have an overwhelming desire to do exactly what I want to do, when I want to do it...and to not really worry about the fall out my actions may cause. This is why I never should have stopped playing sports. I miss that time of putting my mind in complete neutral and just going. Not thinking...not worrying...just making the movements, executing the plays as my body was trained. I find my compassion for the troubles of others waning...and at times I find their compassion for me irritating as hell. I know this mood...and I know that it will pass...it always does...but until it moves on and I am once again able in one capacity or another take orders.

Take a breath and count to ten,
Fall apart and start again.

Stark Reality

2007-08-29T08:59:00.000-07:00

In the quiet moments before sunrise, staring out the window towards the Bridgers, I realized something. And I guess maybe its been what my mother has been trying to teach me all along...trying to drill into my head passed my TV shows, and useless books, and conversations holding no merit...life goes on and its all about how you look at each and every situation. For example, I tell her that econ 301 is going to be stressful...she substitutes the word challenging...and already I want to tackle it. Maybe I have been taking the wrong perspective towards things, I mean seriously I couldn't have thought that my world would end? Seriously...I couldn't have thought that I would just cease existing...not now not ever. It doesn't make it hurt a bit less, but it does take the sting away fast. I guess it stung a bit to learn that for an hour a day 3 days a week...I am invisible...well damn if I'd have know that I had super powers I'd have had more fun as a child. But in all seriousness...it was a reality check. Quiet conformation that whether or not we want it to life does go on. For him-for me-for all of us. And we seem to have two choices, fight it with all our might, which will get us seemingly no where...or to go on with it.

As the quote goes "Do not hold so tightly to the past that you stop your arms from embracing the future." Maybe these things I am feeling this morning...maybe they are not realistic...maybe experiences should shape our realities instead of our realities shaping them. Maybe its not enough to know its right an practical to care about someone...but instead we should shoot first and ask questions later. Maybe life has no plan...and in trying to find one we actually miss the world as it happens. I don't want to spend my life feeling safe and secure...but still wondering. I want to be able to step in the direction I feel pulled...to trust my heart and my head and realize its not weak to ask for help. Its not stupid to believe in true love...its ok to cry...and even more to laugh through your tears. I want to lose my heart, but never my head. To stand tall but never be afraid to bend a bit with the wind. I want to live a life I will remember...to serve others and do my part. To find myself in a world that wants to shape and change me. I want to let myself fall-fall down, fall short, fall completely hopelessly in love...but yet always be able to stand. I want to live. And to do that I have to leave behind the familiar and step into the unknown. I have to accept the mistakes I've made and finally be able to look passed them. I have to accept the gray invisible days if only for the reason that I know that someday-maybe today-someone will see the true me.

Ripple Effect

2007-08-26T08:25:00.000-07:00

It has occurred to me recently that there exists in life the ripple effect. I may be a bit slow on the uptake, but in recent days I have observed this effect 10 fold and think that I grasp its concept fairly well. One thing happens...and just like a stone breaking the smooth, glassy surface of a lake...it in turn causes everything else to shift...the fall out makes new situations arise and old ones magnified or distorted...and in the end...although equilibrium is reached again...the life is never the same.

I need more sleep...that is my latest conclusion in the ripple effect. If I got more sleep the past two nights I probably wouldn't have woken up crying this morning. The damn long room probably wouldn't have affected me so much...and just knowing that even if I wasn't around...things were like they had been for a bit last night wouldn't be killing me. Maybe I am hitting the anger phase...then again...maybe not. I have no right to be angry...I have no right to say this is MY bubble...MY safe zone. But as I sit in my desk...memories pressing in on all sides, far too close for comfort...I find myself unable to breathe...unable to truly function. The past two days have been suprisingly ok...which scares me. It will get easier I know...but typically before it gets easier...it gets harder. So I guess that's what I am gearing up for right now...the difficulty that is getting back up, letting go, and moving on. It will be a challenge...but what's life without a bit of challenge. I guess we'll soon find out.

Speaking of challenges...hmmm...I actually intend to try this semester. I actually intend to get the best grades I can. This is both a facinating and strange feeling. I haven't really wanted to excel past my potential...well ever...I mean I have tried to reach it, but to pass it...strange concept. I guess that this whole conservation economics deal has really taken root. Strange...not the direction I originally saw econ taking me, but I am intrigued and captivated...and hopefully that will be enough to encourage me to go for highest distinction honors (yikes that is a sort of scary thought). There are only two classes that I think will present problems, roadblocks, and discomfort. Spanish-simply because I haven't spoken it in 2 years...hope my memory is good. And of course econ...good god econ. Its going to be a struggle...but I think I am ready for the challenge...I'd better be at least.

Vienna
The Fray

The day's last one-way
Ticket, the train pulls in.
We smile for the casual
Closure capturing
There goes the downpour.
Here goes my fair thee well.

(Chorus)
There's really no way to reach me.
Cuz I'm already gone.

Only so many words
That we can say.
Spoken upon
Long-distance melody
This is my hellow.
This is my goodness.

(Chorus)

Maybe in five or ten,
Yours and mine will meet again.
Straighten this whole thing out.
Maybe then honesty need
Not be feared as a friend or an enemy.
This is the distance
And this is my game face.

(Chorus)

So this is your maverick..
This is Vienna.

If...

2007-08-24T14:09:00.001-07:00

If I could tell you all the things I should have said-would I be able to do justice to all the thoughts inside my head? I enjoyed your smile, your words, and your laughter. Your eyes-they danced, and your happiness could instantly fill the room.

If I could tell you all the things I should have said-most of all I would tell you that you are and will always be irreplaceable. You are and will always be my friend.

How's it going to be

2007-08-23T15:27:00.000-07:00

"Some people simply pass through your life, others leave footprints on your heart and your life is never the same again."

How's It Going to Be
Third Eye Blind

I'm only pretty sure that I can't take anymore
Before you take a swing
I wonder what are we fighting for
When I say out loud
I want to get out of this
I wonder is there anything
I'm going to miss
I wonder how it's going to be
When you don't know me
How's it going to be
When you're sure I'm not there
How's it going to be
When there's no one there to talk to
Between you and me
Cause I don't care
How's it going to be, How's it going to be
Where we used to laugh
There's a shouting match
Sharp as a thumbnail scratch
A silence I can't ignore
Like the hammock by the
Doorway we spent time in, swings empty
Don't see lightning like last fall
When it was always about to hit me
I wonder how's it going to be
When it goes down
How's it going to be
When you're not around
How's it going to be
When you found out there was nothing
Between you and me
Cause I don't care
How's it going to be
And how's it going to be
When you don't know me anymore
And how's it going to be
Want to get myself back in again
The soft dive of oblivion
I want to taste the salt of your skin
The soft dive of oblivion oblivion
How's it going to be
When you don't know me anymore
How's it going to be, How's it going to be
How's it going to be

Struggle

2007-08-20T09:07:00.000-07:00

There is a phenomenon in this world known as sea glass, it is quite simply, what happens when pieces of glass get swept up in the ocean. The sand and salt run their course...and the once jagged sharp edges are smoothed and polishes, until running ones fingers over them no longer seems a bad life decision, but instead the soul purpose behind their existence. As I walked the shores alone...Kassy and Sam out ahead, Jamie and Spenser behind...I found rocks, shells, and the occasional piece of glass, all of who's edges were smoothed. The rough jagged lines still present on the surface showed that life had not been easy for these rocks, they had struggled, they had fought the waves...and in the end, time had worn them down. And I started to realize that we are all truly fighting time. We push so hard against it...but sooner or later...it will smooth our edges and in the end it will claim us.

It has become an on going battle...one I may or may not be able to face. As the hours melt to days and the days fade quietly to weeks, I don't know how much longer I let it go. Time slides by with out asking...it takes from me...it changes me. I feel a distance that starts to separate who I am becoming from who I once was. And yet I still find myself completely lacking inner strength. Life is passing me by...I am almost twenty...young in some eyes...but really what determines age? Who's to say when my number will be up? And as I look back over my brief time here...and forward into the great expansive future...I realize that there is so much I want to do. I want to backpack the Appalachian Trail, ride the trans-Siberian railroad...I want to believe in love, to find hope in tomorrow. I want to fall...fall down...fall out of line...fall completely hopelessly in love...yet always be able to stand...stand on my own....stand up for myself...stand up for others....stand for something. I know that I am young by most standards...but I can't let being young stop me from living...I can't spend my whole life listening to the music yet never dancing. I want to shed my fears and truly start to try.

This trip has definitely been a challenge for me in so many ways. I guess it has demonstrated to me just how independent I am. I am not ungrateful for the food that has been prepared for me...just a bit annoyed. But overall the challenges I've faced haven't been in other people. They've been in me. Where did I get my notions of grandeur that describe family. Ambrose said it well when he stated, "Every family other then yours seems out of the norm...because to you your family IS normal." Its so true. To me its a brother, random adopted siblings...typically from other countries...and my parents. Its been interesting watching Kassy's family interact...and to her...they are normal. What's to say they aren't? What is normal any way? I find myself struggling with more than just family.

Going home...going back to that room...going back to that place...after all that's happened there...it scares me. It will never be the same. That's not to say it will never be that good again, the past has proven it almost always is that good or better the next time around...but still...so many memories...so many tears...I don't know if I can handle it. I guess I've been trying to figure out lately what I can and can't handle. I get my hopes up relatively easy...and although I don't want to admit it...it is usually my downfall. And on several fronts I can see that my towers may collapse soon...and not for the right reasons. I believe that I am fallible...I am meant to fall...if I don't fall I'll never learn...I want to fall...fall down...fall out of line...fall completely hopelessly in love...yet always be able to stand...

The Place Where Footprints Disappear

2007-08-16T10:16:00.000-07:00

"We walked ankle deep in the ocean, the place where footprints disappear. Just like the evening she drove away it will be burned in my memory for a million years." - Rascal Flatts (The Cool Thing)

Sitting on the shore of the pacific, watching the storm clouds roll in over the darkening waters, I found myself alone and happy. Two feelings that don't normally coincide, at least not for me. And it was more then that, I was at peace. I have been struggling for the last year to figure out what I want to do with my life...why I am around...and at points I had almost given up believing that my life has a purpose. Watching Jamie look at the rocks with wonder and amazement demonstrated that she chose the right path. Watching Kassy talk about Chemistry and Bio...she'll do fine...she wants the answers like a doctor. Then staring into my own vast or shallow depths I found no passion, no light, no fire. Until the Smith River 3 nights ago. I spoke to a marine biologist, she talked about "my generation", she wanted to know if we understood the environment was being destroyed. And suddenly I felt a flame burst to life. Economically the way the environment is being used is not efficient...its not even in most senses practical. I could combined my love for nature (minus the mosquitoes) and my dare I say growing respect (not yet love) for economics in such a way that maybe I could help companies conserve their resources and still make a profit. My mind started racing...steps towards goal, pick up some sort of science minor/major...maybe ecology...find internships and information...get informed and make opinions...and as I mapped it out in my mind, I felt the fire grow...and as I went to sleep I wondered if it would still be lit in the morning...sure enough 3 days later it is...and I am ready to track down my future, to rope it in, and to start living...no more waiting for it to come.

In other aspects, the ocean has made things clearer as well...too many sunsets in beautiful places...the hopeless romantic in me is alive and well again...although she is secretly waiting for a rain storm or two. And with that I have a new perspective on certain areas of my life. For the first time in a long time I feel that I know what I want...if someone were to ask me right now...I'd be able to answer. Happiness still seems elusive half the time...but that's ok. One step at a time. Its strange to think that I am almost twenty and have yet to start my life. Or if I have started it, its been in such minimal ways that I can't even see them. I believe that I am notorious for saying "oh I'll start to live tomorrow...tomorrow I will wake up and have it all figured out...tomorrow I'll be an adult..." But it doesn't happen like that...life and love (see back to the romantic) don't happen like that. They aren't things to be waited for...they are things to be lived, experienced...and felt. And yes if you get too close to the the flame you will get burned...scars heal, glory fades...pain hurts, but it only lasts a minute...your life is short so go on and live it. I was talking to him about being closed off...talking about the two reasons a person becomes closed off after experiencing pain...A) you don't want people to see you or B) you are willing to provide the answers you're just waiting for the right questions...and right now I guess that's me....waiting to be asked the right thing...and trying like hell to make sure I ask the correct questions. In my eyes there are two reasons people don't ask the questions, one they already know the answer, or two, they are terrified of what the answer might be...but fears must be faced and the truth must be realized...So if you're game, fire away...ask the questions you've been keeping locked deep inside all this time...I know its scary....I know it can hurt...but sometimes, the answers just might suprise you.

One From the Road

2007-08-15T15:01:00.000-07:00

Hello from North Bend, Oregon! It has been an interesting journey thus far...allow me to recap.

We left on Friday at 1:00...by 5:30 we were somewhere between Missoula and Spokane...in fact we were at the world famous, Lincoln's 10,000$ Silver Dollar gas station, casino, and inn. Jamie pulls in to fill up the tank, the next few moments are a blur. We all unload from the car, I go inside, come back, and find my door locker. I mention to Jamie that I need in, and we discover all 4 doors are locked. And both keys are inside. Before panic can set in...after all it says in the hitch hikers guide to the galaxy not to panic...I run inside and that to the station manager. She tells me to call a tow company. I do...the man, calling me darling, calmly explains that his guy is "out on a job" and gives me another number to call. I do, and this time, the guy calls me Hun and says he'll be right over. About 10 minutes later two gentlemen in their early twenties show up, beat on the car for a bit and get us in. They charge us only 50$, my opinion, a reduced price for 3 good looking girls.

This brings us to the West Wynn Motel in Spokane...yes it sounds wonderful, but things are not always what they seem. It was something out of a horror film. The door had three locks, all of which stayed securely locked all night. And there was a door with a slit open in it in the bathroom, but it wouldn't budge...behind it pitch black and goodness knows what else. The train went by all night...all in all I was happy to leave the next day!

Crater Lake, a lake formed 7,000 years ago when a volcano erupted and the caldera collapsed was amazing. 5 miles north to south and 6 miles east to west, it was a beautiful sight. We hiked down to the bottom, it was gorgeous. And then we sat along the east rim shivering in the twilight and watched the sun go down...pretty darn romantic if I do say so myself.

The drive down the Rogue/Smith rivers, through the redwoods was a humbling experience. Nothing can make you feel more insignificant in my mind then standing next to a tree hundreds of feet tall. They restored my faith in a lot of ways. And the Ocean...oh the ocean, how I have missed it and truly needed to see it again. It put me at peace instantly...I am amazed at how connected I feel to it. Don't get me wrong I am one of the blessed few in my eyes, to have grown up where I did and had the opportunity to take advantage of all that it has to offer...but there is just something powerful about the ocean.

Kassy's house was a welcome sight...her parents and brothers are amazing people. They truly are great hosts. Its forcing me to be on my best behavior (wouldn't my parents be so proud!)...which is a good thing. These sorts of things I believe make me a better person.

On a completely personal note, on the banks of the Smith River in the early hours of evening I discovered what I want to do with my life and I now know where my foreign exchange will take me next summer...but more of that in another post. All in all its been a good trip thus far. I've done some serious thinking/soul searching...and I've come up with some good stuff. I miss people I never imagined myself missing, in ways I never thought I would...and I feel like I may actually be starting to grow up a bit...but don't tell.

For the record, I've said it before and I'll say it again...missing people sucks...and with that in mind I will leave you with 3 quotes that about sum it up...

Missing someone gets easier every day because even though it's one day further from the last time you saw each other, it's one day closer to the next time you will. ~Author Unknown

Missing you could turn from pain to pleasure, if I knew you were missing me too. ~Author Unknown

Absence diminishes little passions and increases great ones, as the wind extinguishes candles and fans a fire. ~Francois Duc de la Rochefoucauld, translated from French

At Long Last

2007-08-09T22:54:00.000-07:00

Knee deep in the unusually warm water of the Bozeman Beach, surrounded by darkness, with the exception of a few lights shining off the far shore, I found myself thinking about the last time I wound up at the Beach...was it star gazing? Was it the night it all went wrong...the first time around? I had no clue...I just knew that it was about this time of year either way.

A bit later, in the half light of my kitchen, alone at the table, her words struck me...it could be the last time I kiss him. Such a simple sentence...yet the emotion behind it was so pure, so intense. It made me think about it...and I realize that while I remember a lot of monumentous firsts in my life...I tend to focus so much on the lasts...the last time I saw her she was angry, the last time we spoke he smiled when he said my name, the last time I saw him he was upset....the last time...Why is it so major. Things come and go, that seems the way of life. Maybe we are just awed by our powerlessness to prevent change and refuse to realize that life will go on. But if you think about it, everything you do could potentially be the last time...but why dwell on that, its depressing.

I leave for Oregon in five hours...and I can't honestly say how I feel about that. Its a long time...in a car, and well we'll see how it goes. I am in need of a serious recharge, but I can't help but wonder if that's because I tell myself I need one. Its been a long year, and its all going to start again soon enough...and I need to be read this time around. I am honestly not sure what direction my life is headed right now...I feel lost and I guess in the next 12 days I am going to try to be ok with that. I have a lot to think about. It could very easily all be something...but it could just as easily be nothing...so dear reader for the next two weeks ponder this....Is something nothing...or is nothing something?

Casulties of Life

2007-08-03T10:22:00.000-07:00

It happened, much as I said it would. The first explosion...the second...the shock waves...the fall out shelter...all went as predicted. And sadly the day after, looking back at what has come and gone, I feel worse...not better. And thus begins the inevitable fall.

Yesterday when dealing with my mother I behaved like a child when the situation required the tact and finesse of an adult. I screamed about unfairness years old. She retorted by claiming that I had made false statements...lies seem too strong. And in typical mother fashion she brought up all of the things that have been given to me over the years. And slowly where rage and anger had only moments ago lived, guilt and shame crept in. Later discussing The Fountain Head a book I've never read but feel I should now, a passage was read about how to steal a man's soul. And part of it hit home, make him feel guilty, make him feel shame...and its so true. To control someone tell them they aren't good enough, or that you have given them so much and they, in return, have given you nothing...its worked on me in the past. Through the tears, as my own transgressions are dredged up, I feel the anger melt. And I, as most people would, lose my will to fight. Well once my mother made me feel guilty for wanting a new car, and worse so for making her cry, I fled the scene of the crime. And with new perspective on the situation, I realized although unfair that I have to choose between a car or a study abroad...its study abroad hands down.

Later, in the car...angry...tired and mad at traffic construction, I took my anger out on a completely unsuspecting and even more undeserving target. Who's only comment upon receiving my verbal lashing was...thanks for the reality check...but what I had done was far from a reality check. It was simply anger, intensified and misdirected. Later it was brought to my attention that maybe I was silly...maybe I didn't see the situation for what it was...OK completely possible. But that said, I think that emotion holds a valid place. After I cried yesterday...maybe for the third time...I felt a bit better. The emotional strain had been drained...I was tired, my cheeks splotchy, and yet I felt better...if only for awhile.

Tensions are still high...and the battle is far from over. But for now, the troops have retreated back to their strong holds...to reformulate their plans. Me...I've glimpsed happiness once or twice this week, but it is still elusive...thus I guess I am going to keep looking for it...as for the following lyrics...they just seem to fit...

I believe
this is heaven to no one else but me
and I'll defend it as long as I can be
left here to linger in silence
if I choose to
would you try to understand

Over the Edge

2007-08-01T10:25:00.000-07:00

Dare to reach out your hand into the darkness, to pull another hand into the light. ~Norman B. Rice

Upon observing the world, I have come to realize that we are all teetering on the edge. Life literally hangs in the balance. It is such an intricate process...such a careful dance we dance from day to day. And it takes just the slightest breeze to knock us off course. We falter, we stumble, we fall. And more often then not...when others aren't looking we completely lose touch. And if there are no hands that reach through the darkness...we are forced to face ourselves in ways we could never imagine in order to find the will to pull ourselves through.

In recent days, as I have found myself hanging dangerously close to the edge...and slipping fast, I have also encountered a few people at the same point in their lives. One is falling out of control, and as hard as I try, I don't think that I can catch him. Another on his way back to the land of the living...the third...she has been lost for a long time. And what's worse is she is completely unaware. As I grab madly for anything to pull myself back with, through the darkness I see their faces and I wonder, can I save them?

I am falling back into the pattern. I'm hitting the brink. So close to a major explosion, followed by a major implosion that I can barely keep my calm through the most routine tasks. I am pushing in all directions, just trying to find the weak spot, trying to find where the damn will break..because it will. If I look hard enough it always does. I am desperate to feel...anything...everything...while at the same time I am shutting all feeling off again. Emotional attachment is there and yet I am running from it. If asked, I would deny all possibilities of fear...but its there. The fear of not coming back this time. The fear of making it worse for those faces that float passed in the darkness and for reasons unknown matter so much. Yes I could make it worse--far worse. It is my power to destroy coupled with my inability to change that scares me now. This game I play is predictable. I've never made it through this level before I've always turned back...and I can't honestly say what will happen this time.

I look around me and see perfection...I look inside myself and see potential. And I start to think back...when it was bad, and grant it I realize that I was not as far gone as some...and I was probably still better off then most, none the less...when I was almost to the point of no return someone threw me a life line. And I wish so much that I could pull these three back. But as I start to slip myself I wonder if I truly have the strength to do what needs to be done. Or am I still weak? Still running scared? Maybe we can pull each other back...and then again maybe it would just be nice to have someone to fall with.

Nonsensical rant done...the score....Life 1 me 0

Static

2007-08-01T08:14:00.000-07:00

You are just another highway,
Just another road block,
Just another place to land.
Just another smile,
Just another frown,
Another day to turn my life upside down.

Pushing away a world
That keeps pushing back.
Forcing distance and time
To heal old wounds-
To hide the fact that I'm jaded,
I am broken...I am bruised.

You are just another highway,
Just another road block,
Just another place to land.
You are just another smile,
Just another frown,
Another day to turn my life upside down.

But I'll get by.
You're just another face in the crowd,
You'll never know what it means.
And in the end its ok,
Because its just another day.

Crazy Days

2007-07-30T11:42:00.000-07:00

Breathe in....hold...1...2...3...4...5...exhale....

That's the first deep breath I have taken since about this time a week ago. And it will probably be the last one I will get to take for a day or two. Life has just been crazy. So much could have gone wrong...but somehow...I got lucky this time around. And I guess at this point I am crossing my fingers for the next year and a few months and hoping that my luck continues. Allow me to explain.

Mark's 21st birthday was going fine. My original plan was to bail at 12:00 or so and just wander around for a bit...avoid possible confrontation with the cops and then head back to bed. But at 12 it seemed safe...so I stayed. Funny how things are never quite what they seem. around 12:20 word spreads from the group outside that the cops have indeed arrived. I panic. There is NO back door...and I can't go out the front...I am not 21...so I in my tipsy wisdom I head for the closet. Time slows and speeds up at will. I send a text. The door opens, the light switches on...I hear a gruff man's voice...open up its the cops...but I breathe and slowly come out...its Carter...all is good. I make it about 10 yards from the closet into the hall...The door opens a crack...Mark slips through and says all under agers get out...and motions me back to the bedroom. Again I resume hiding amongst strange clothes. After awhile Carter returns...and I am safe...after about 30 minutes my heart rate is normal. The next morning I find out the entire time I was in the living room talking to Carter, the cops were right outside...trying to get in...and trying to arrest people...but they never made it through the door...thanks to someone who knows his rights and a whole lot of luck. So first MIP successfully avoided...and of course...why not have experience number two a day later.

On Saturday I was at Chico to just hang out before my "sister's" wedding...and as we were chilling by the pool...they all bought drinks...and they got me one too...a strawberry daiquiri...very tasty. As we are just swimming and drinking...a rent a cop...probably around 70 years old...notices our group and sits near us on the edge. First I freak...but as we are leaving I realize that its dark...and I am in a bikini...so I grab my drink...smile at him...he starts to sit up in his seat...and I, feeling cocky, simply say, "Nice night...isn't it." As I wade out of the pool, I feel his eyes on my back...but he doesn't try to stop me...amazing!

The wedding was fun! Amazingly enough...don't count me out for being vain here...I realized as I got made-up and dressed...I am pretty...its a strange thing to realize about yourself...but its nice...it was good to finally, at the age of 19, see it in myself. The ceremony went fairly smooth. Considering the groom was almost drunk, the bride was a nervous wreck...and the father of the bride, forgot his pants in town and had to have an emergency pair brought up. Andy only forgot one of his lines. The pictures should turn out great....and the ones Kassy took did. The cake courtesy of Teresa was AMAZING...and the dancing was fun. It was nice to have Nick there...he's had a rough summer...and although he was a bit on the drunk side dancing was still fun! I had forgotten two things...how much I love to dance...and also how horrible at it I am...but still it was a good time...ahhh weddings and the thoughts they make us think....

Tamuna and Andy have truly made me believe in love again...now if they can overcome the next few obstacles...I will never doubt true loves strength. They will return to Georgia for a wedding in two weeks. I am worried that she won't be able to come home with him. In short, that she'll get trapped in country for a bit. But they will no doubt figure it out. They are amazing like that. To see them together yesterday...it brought back to life the romantic in me...and I guess...although I am not holding out for a fairy tail...its still nice to know that they exist.

Breathe in...hold it....5...4...3...2...1...exhale...Breathing is key

Staring down the Barrel

2007-07-26T08:33:00.000-07:00

Timing is everything....it always has been and always will be. One day earlier or one day later and it wouldn't matter. If it was any other weekend, or any other week for that matter it wouldn't matter. Had it been any other night...any other semester...if it happens tonight...if I get caught...it wouldn't have mattered at all...it still won't...but as I said timing is everything.

Its been a fun week, busy, but fun. Capture the flag brought back memories of summers long forgotten. Memories of FOA, Jim, Gent...Diane. Memories that while calling up some amount of sadness also are linked to such intense joy that I can't help but smile. But I have to ask myself...when did I get so damn slow. The boiling river-amazing. I want to go back there this fall/winter. I have a feeling it would be a blast. Floating yesterday...no I did not jump off the cliffs (never will again for that matter)...but my hat is sure tipped to the three that did. But again timing is everything, had we started earlier, we would have finished earlier...and we would have missed the storm. Oh well...a bit chilly...but I survived. After all attendance is optional...survival mandatory. Tonight...should be interesting to say the least. Tomorrow long...Saturday all mine...Sunday...the wedding.

Timing-my voice is probably going out. The smoke in the air has triggered my allergies and so it goes. It feels exactly the same as it did last time. Its not even ten yet, and I have had almost 40 oz of water....intense. Last time...the voice went after about 5 days of sore throat...its cracking today...its just a matter of time...and what poor timing it is. There goes my toast...there goes my parents trust. I will then be seen as unfit to take care of myself...oh well...they already see it that way. Oh well...timing is everything...after tomorrow it won't really matter for awhile.

It's his birthday...its exciting...he'll have a good one. Won't remember much of it...but from what I can see of them...and what I know of him...it wouldn't want it any other way. They are an amazing group of guys the three of them. In a way, it makes me realize what I lost when I turned my back, it makes me a bit jealous...but for me...its better this way. Anyway this is no longer about me...not today...its about him...its his day! So...dear reader, send him your regards...care of Thursday July 26th 2007...he won't remember anyway...but its the thought that counts!

Another Nine Minutes

2007-07-19T15:42:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had one of those mornings where bed is so much more amazing than the world would ever be? Where the snooze button is all you can push? Well I had one of those mornings today where I just didn't want to get up...I wanted to stay in bed...in that moment...and I think this pretty much explains it.

Another Nine Minutes
Yankee Gray

Six thirty in the morning
I'm in the middle of the sweetest dream
When I hear that clock calling me
I wrestle with the feeling
That the day's starting way too soon
I hit the button just to buy a little time
To keep you in these arms of mine

For another nine minutes
Let the world stop
Steal a few moments from this old clock
'Cause this is my dream and I want to stay in it
For another nine minutes

I love the way the sunlight
Dances on your perfect skin
Girl, I wish this night would never end
But we gotta get moving
Can't eat if we don't get paid
But I got us a better idea

Let's pull up the covers and stay right here
For another nine minutes
Let the world stop
Steal a few moments from this old clock
'Cause this is my dream and I want to stay in it
For another nine minutes

I hit the button just one more time
To keep you in these arms of mine

For another nine minutes
Let the world stop
Steal a few moments from this old clock
'Cause this is my dream and I want to stay in it
For another nine minutes
Let the world wait
Whose gonna care if we're a little bit late
This is my dream and I want to stay in it

panic sets in

2007-07-17T12:58:00.000-07:00

So I just decided I want to take a lit class next year...so as I am signing up for it, I find out that I am indeed in spanish 219...and French 102 at the same time...so I bail on French...to take Britt Lit...why I still don't know...but I am panicking, I haven't taken spanish in years...oh well at least I have time to get used to the idea...hmmm....I need to go to the library!

Storm before the Calm

2007-07-17T12:38:00.000-07:00

There's always a period of curious fear between the first sweet-smelling breeze and the time when the rain comes cracking down. ~Don Delillo

Laying quietly on the lawn, hand in hand...he sighed and said...

"Looks like a storm...it'd be nice if we saw some rain. I doubt we will...but it'd be nice."

"Mmmmhhhmmm..." I responded

Face upturned...in the silence that followed his statement I searched the summer sky for a hint of rain and a bit of hope.

I felt every inch of a summer storm last night...in all its grace, grandeur, and romance. Sitting on the lawn twenty minutes prior to the rain, the clouds had a red-ish tint...and the air was calm. As I stepped outside a brief time later, the drops were just starting to come down. Soon the storm picked up pace, there was no wind...just big wet drops falling from a darkened sky. It was an interesting sensation...to feel the drops on my face and hair, and soaking through my shirt...to hear them hitting the pavement and trees and houses all around me...yet to not be able to see them. With my face upturned it didn't matter whether my eyes were open or closed...I could not see the drops hit me, this was new. I had never experienced such a storm at night. It was as though I was experiencing the storm like a blind girl, for the first time. Laying down on the wet pavement, the water instantly seeped through my pants and shirt...and as each drop hit me, I couldn't help but smile.

There have been few times in my life when I have obtained some semblance of peace. True peace. But last night, amidst all the chaos and worry that life contains, I felt at ease. The others sought higher ground, a dry seat, a cold beer. Me...I wanted nothing more than to stand with the rain on my face forever. The only sound I could hear was the water falling on all sides, even my heart beat was drowned out by the beauty of a summer rain. I spun around slowly...and I felt the worries and confusions just melt away. I could hear my mother's voice in the back of my mind saying, you'll catch a cold...go get dry. And I laughed. Not this time mom...this one is for me. God how I love the rain...I must have been born in a storm...its just so peaceful...so cleansing...so wet...and dare I say so romantic. If I can order weather for my wedding someday...I'd tell the guests to bring rain coats...oh wouldn't that be perfect.